I hate how my mind works. I do. I want to be just like everyone else. I want things to be natural for me. It's not really so much about wanting to be an athlete. It's about how my mind works.
I hate forgetting things, not being able to form my thoughts and get them into words when needed, I hate being late all the time, and not being dependable. I hate breaking promises, and feeling like a failure. I just want a "normal" life like everyone else...
Now, that tirade being said - I know that no one is "normal". It's just an illusion. It's something that we all want to have. Normalcy. We want to blend in, and not be different. But the fact is - we are all different. No one of us is the same. God made us just the way we are for a reason. I have no idea why I am the way I am. Or why God choose me to be the way I am. I just know he did. I am HIS creation. I just haven't always lived the life He wants for me.
Finally, last spring I was officially diagnosed with ADD. I pretty much knew that would be the diagnosis, and really did not want to take another medication. I REALLY, REALLY did NOT want to take it. But, came to the conclusion that if I wanted any shot at a "normal" way of life, I might have to take a medication to help me get there. Why can't I just be one that God cures? I don't know. So, it's been a number of months on the med, and boy! What a difference! It helps. But, I think there was a side of me that thought it would a magic pill of sorts. But it's not. I still have to take it... which is something that I have to REMEMBER to do. I still have to learn how to live a "normal" life. How to care for my life and not live in chaos like I have. I need to learn a better way of living.
So I am. I am slowly starting to surround myself with people that can assist me in this. One of the things I've delved into is going through The Ultimate Journey through church. WHEW! I've heard about this program, and have friends that have gone through all three of the phases or only one or two. I've prayed about this. Is it time for me to do this Lord? How can I do this as well as a full load this semester at school? (16 credits - Monday through Friday 8am-3pm) I didn't know. I still don't. But, I'm in week 5 of the Journey along with 5 other brave women and our 2 facilitators. For more information on this here's the link.
Tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of the mess Jim and I are in. Where are we at with it? It's complicated and I really don't know. I stand for our marriage. I am certain without a doubt that we could have so much more than what we did. A marriage that is wonderful. But, we are both human. With human responses. With old behaviors that are sometime hard to let go of. He's just not at fault, but so am I.
God's working. His Beauty will rise from the ashes.
Blessings.
