Faith that grew from a Mustard seed

My Mind

2010-10-18T18:40:00.000-05:00

I hate how my mind works. I do. I want to be just like everyone else. I want things to be natural for me. It's not really so much about wanting to be an athlete. It's about how my mind works.

I hate forgetting things, not being able to form my thoughts and get them into words when needed, I hate being late all the time, and not being dependable. I hate breaking promises, and feeling like a failure. I just want a "normal" life like everyone else...

Now, that tirade being said - I know that no one is "normal". It's just an illusion. It's something that we all want to have. Normalcy. We want to blend in, and not be different. But the fact is - we are all different. No one of us is the same. God made us just the way we are for a reason. I have no idea why I am the way I am. Or why God choose me to be the way I am. I just know he did. I am HIS creation. I just haven't always lived the life He wants for me.

Finally, last spring I was officially diagnosed with ADD. I pretty much knew that would be the diagnosis, and really did not want to take another medication. I REALLY, REALLY did NOT want to take it. But, came to the conclusion that if I wanted any shot at a "normal" way of life, I might have to take a medication to help me get there. Why can't I just be one that God cures? I don't know. So, it's been a number of months on the med, and boy! What a difference! It helps. But, I think there was a side of me that thought it would a magic pill of sorts. But it's not. I still have to take it... which is something that I have to REMEMBER to do. I still have to learn how to live a "normal" life. How to care for my life and not live in chaos like I have. I need to learn a better way of living.

So I am. I am slowly starting to surround myself with people that can assist me in this. One of the things I've delved into is going through The Ultimate Journey through church. WHEW! I've heard about this program, and have friends that have gone through all three of the phases or only one or two. I've prayed about this. Is it time for me to do this Lord? How can I do this as well as a full load this semester at school? (16 credits - Monday through Friday 8am-3pm) I didn't know. I still don't. But, I'm in week 5 of the Journey along with 5 other brave women and our 2 facilitators. For more information on this here's the link.

Tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of the mess Jim and I are in. Where are we at with it? It's complicated and I really don't know. I stand for our marriage. I am certain without a doubt that we could have so much more than what we did. A marriage that is wonderful. But, we are both human. With human responses. With old behaviors that are sometime hard to let go of. He's just not at fault, but so am I.

God's working. His Beauty will rise from the ashes.
Blessings.

Reposting

2010-08-01T23:02:00.000-05:00

I accidentally posted a couple comments that I meant to delete. I get spam in my comments, and hit the publish button instead of delete. So, I copied and pasted the blog post - minus the comments in a foreign language....

I don't have anything profound to note or post. But I do have something that I just posted on a forum that I frequent. I have been a member for sometime now, since almost the beginning of the separation from Jim. I began posting a reply to a new member, and it turned into something that was much longer than I intended it to be. I decided to also post it here. I am always amazed when I sit back and reflect on where I've been to where I am today. I have also included a few links at the end that I want to share. Places and reads that have helped me see the greater good, and the possibility of what the uglyness of the mess can create = Beauty.

I have some of my story here. I don't post so much about it now, but some of it is important to see what God has done.

What I have written out, I did not do to blame him (he periodically reads the forum) or to make me "look better than him". We are both at fault for so much of the hurt and harm that was done in our marriage.

I am one of those in your situations - infidelity. My husband was having an affair. I held onto the Lord. It has not been easy by any means. There are so many that question this - they question me and my decision. But the truth is, it's MY decsion. Like you, I made a commitment to my husband and God that I would Love him. This includes when I don't like him very much or his actions. Instead, I CHOOSE to love him. Day in and day out - through thick and through thin. Through his infidelity, and after.

Now, I have to add a disclaimer here - I have not been the perfect wife. After years of having my trust broken, promises broken and whatever, it didn't take very long for me to stop putting so much of an effort into things. This includes putting my hurt before him, and depression and other things that I could name.

How do you begin this journey? By going hip to hip with Jesus. Leaning on HIM for HIS strength, not your own. There have been so many times that I want to give in and give up. Do what others have told me to do - move on. But the truth is, I love my spouse. I can see a marriage for us that is none like any other because of these problems we have overcome.

We both (husband and I) need healing. When we had our daughter a little over 3 years ago, I distrusted him as a person - a whole person including him as a father and daddy to out new born. I saw him get so frustrated with her. This turned me inside out. I did not respect him. All with in five years, we bought a house, I lost a job, my husband was injured at work and went through 3 surgeries; a newborn (a first born); a lay off from that company; a bankruptcy, a repossession of a car, foreclose of that said house..... I grew weary. Our relationship broke totally. We didn't hear or see the others cries for help.

That is when I began hearing God tell me to be patient. I was just learning about having a RELATIONSHIP with Jesus, and finding my Father God. With this, I have been learning to TRUST Him. He is not like my worldly dad, and will not leave me or forsake me. He will not belittle me, He will not get mad at me, and He will AWLAYS listen to me WHENEVER I need him. It doesn't matter the problem or praise - HE will be there for me.

He is who gets me through on the dark days. He is who has spoken to me in the quiet times of the night when I can't sleep. He is who I turn to when things are not as I would have them. I know that my situation may not turn out as I would have it, but in the end - it will be what God wants for me. I have been obedient to him, and because of this I have had a wealth of blessings. There are times when I can't always see them, and all I see are the blemishes. But, I am being taken care of. I will persevere and get over the valleys and mountains that come up.

You will too.

I do have a few resources for you that I have found to be of great help and comfort:
http://cindybeall.com/?page_id=357 Here is a great start. Read from where I've pasted, then browse through her blog. This story is an AWESOME one of what can happen when we give out all to God, what he can do with a marriage that looks so bleak.

One of my favorite sites on standing for Marriage: http://rejoiceministries.org/
There is SO much good stuff here! Just start anywhere, and before you know it it will be hours later.

For just about anything God related: http://www.crosswalk.com/

A GREAT source for articles on what God can do also: www.familylife.com

For those suffering through infidelity: http://www.affairrecovery.com/

A book I highly recommend because there is a segment about a couple I personally know: http://www.amazon.com/Hope-Christ-Greg-Grotewold/dp/1597811742

These are what I can come up with off the top of my head. And of course - the Love Dare. It has changed SO many lives! And so many marriages! When I need a reminder - I re-watch the movie.

"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up" (Galatians 6:9).

Gratitude - Day 2

2010-03-30T22:50:00.000-05:00

I'll start off with - this was a trying morning for me. I was DEAD certain that I had accidentally thrown away 3 of my memory sticks. 2+ years worth of data, music, pictures, 2 semesters worth of homework..... All of it is pretty much irreplaceable.

I have them on a large 3 D-Ring because for some reason, this semester, I'm having a TON or problems keeping track of them. Soooo, I thought it'd be so SMART to attach them all TOGETHER. Good idea, RIGHT? Yea, I thought so too. Till I was dead certain that I threw them away last night.

I was getting my things together this morning to head out the door, switched school bags for the 3rd time and realized I couldn't find my memory sticks. Maybe there are in the car.... NOPE! Not there. Rechecked the school bags. Rechecked my pencil case. Dropped Nora off at Daycare and came back home to check again. NOWHERE to be found. As I was looking next to the recliner, I heard:

"trust me, they will be found."

GRRR! If they are going to found, where in tarnation are they?

Now to back up, and tell you why I thought I threw them away. On Monday, I walked out of school with them in my hand. When I got to my car; I placed my binder, school bag, and everything else I had in my hand onto the passenger seat. Got myself into the car and went to get gas. I paid inside, and before heading in I grabbed a bag of trash and threw it away without looking in the bag. So this morning, when I could not find the memory sticks - I was sure they accidentally got thrown in the bag, and ended up in the trash.

I prayed for them to be revealed. I had an appointment, and the gal I had it with prayed for God to show me where they were, and for them to be found.

Got to school, and started taking out what I needed. Started chatting with the girls and was telling them about my morning and the memory stick drama, when I went back into my bag for something and low and behold - there were the memory sticks tangled up in my headphone cords.

I should have rejoiced over the lost that was found, but was so frustrated with the energy that was wasted on worring and trying to find them. I was trusting God that yes, they would be found, but yet all the while I was certain that they were gone forever; so is that REALLY trusting? To the point that I ran in to Walmart to buy a new memory stick, only to have my cash card declined. I found out after some panic that the money I THOUGHT I transferred last night, didn't actually transfer - I had an error but didn't see it before closing out of my banking account. Gods way of telling me I wasn't going to need it the new memory stick? I think so.

So, after that; what am I grateful for.

I'm going to start right off with - Hearing God speak to me. I hear him all right, when He told me the lost would be found; but I didn't TRUST Him. I went on my own; and wasted a ton of energy worrying about them. Is there a teaching in there? I think so. In a way, I think it was a test also. I'm not sure if I passed or failed though.

Next, I am so thankful for the innocent comments from Nora. She doesn't always know the meaning of things that she says yet. When she is doing really well with potty training, I tell her that I'm so proud of her. Well, she's been listening to me. This morning, as I was finishing up getting her dressed - and trying to get her to put her socks on - she turns to me and tells me, "Mommy, I so proud of you." WHAT? Where'd that come from. I asked her to tell me again what she just said. And, she repeated it. I asked her then if she knew what that meant. And no, she didn't. So, I told her, 'it's when someone does something really good, and it gives you warm fuzzies on the inside.' Her response? "Oh." And then she runs to me and give me a great big hug. I love some of the things she tells me.

And last for tonight, sorry but it's getting late and I'm SO ready for bed tonight - I am so grateful for good memories of times with Jim. I was on my way to school today and noticed a herd of cows in a field. I noticed the ones that we refer to as "oreo cows". The front and back are all black - and a band around their middle is white. Hence the name. : ) When we traveled, I would get so excited to see these cows! I still giggle when I see them. They are actually a brand of cow if ya'll wonder..... So, today when I drove by these cows, I was of course saddened by them but also thankful for the good memory. In the past few weeks, I've had the bad ones crop up so it was really nice to have a good one. The are there. It just seems like sometimes it's so much easier to recollect on the bad.

So - there's my day. In a nutshell. Blessings all.
Jen

Week of Graditude - Day 1

2010-03-29T22:17:00.000-05:00

I was making my way to school today, which is an hour drive; and I was thinking. I was thinking about writing, and thanking God for the beautiful spring weather we've been having. I decided I was going to try to write at least 3 things that I am grateful for this week.
So - here goes. Everyday this week, I will be posting 3 to 5 things that I am grateful for on this day. As I was driving and thinking, I came up with a number of them - but of course by the time I've had a chance to sit down and type this out - I can only remember a few.

Day 1
1. Holy Week. I am SO thankful for the reminder of what Jesus is for us. Why God sent him to Earth. To walk among people, to live with the people. To Die for us, so we can live Free. Thank you God.

2. Wonderful Weather. Even though I don't get to enjoy much of it during the week, we have had a run of sun! Loving it. I have a friend that embarked on A Picture A Day in 2010, and then posting them on Facebook. For the past week or so, she has been posting pictures of flowers that have been popping up in her yard - the early bloomers of the year. I love the smell of spring. The rebirth of the trees. Baby ducks that I have to stop for and allow to cross the road.

3. Love. I am so thankful for the love of friends. I am. There are so many times that I'm not feeling the bed about things, and someone will send me just the right words. Either in person, through an email, a text, or Facebook. Wherever it comes from, I am so thankful for it.

So. Here are my 3 for today. I'm not thankful for the homework that I still have to get done tonight. :) But, that's due to procrastination, so it's my fault and no one else's.

Blessings all!

9 Years

2010-03-24T22:27:00.003-05:00

Nine years ago today, I was married to the man I thought I'd spend my life with. I knew it would be a struggle, but never did I imagine the man that couldn't get his fill of looking at me would be the one to file divorce papers.

Jesus is my light - He is the one that is my strength to keep me going. When I think of the strength and His light within me, I think in colors. White and yellow. I just thought of it - it's acutally the colors of on of my favorite spring flowers, Daffodils. They are one of the first flowers in the north to emerge from the cold ground in the spring.

Nine years ago, it was a cold day - the temperature had plummeted, it was -8 degrees, and flurrying on and off. The day had started out sunny and cold, but changed to flurries. For a day that a zillion things could have gone wrong, there was only one that sticks out. Jim had stepped into his tux pants, and ripped the seam at the bottom. No biggy. Someone contacted the rental place, and they brought a replacement over. The other option was to duct tape it (on the inside, or staple it). It all worked out.

But, but the time that day finally arrived, I was ready to move on from planning the wedding and get on to the marriage part. It was wonderful to proclaim my intent to love, honor and cherish him in front of God, family, and friends; but I was ready to move on from planning this one day to being married.

I always knew we'd have struggles, but I always thought we'd work through them. God isn't done. I'm struggling to wrap my mind around some things today. But, I also know that there are somethings that I don't have to wrap my head around. God is wrapping his arms around me, and working things out. I have to find a way to keep moving forward.

I want to leave you with a recording of an awesome song, sang by 3 kids. Origianlly, it's a Chris Tomlin song, and he does it very well. But the voices of these 3 kids - wow. Blows me away.

I'm sorry about the rambling post. I'm feeling all over the board today. Blessings all.

Unredeemed

2010-03-21T01:09:00.002-05:00

It was 13 years ago that I met a man. It was our first meeting face to face. We had spent hours on the phone and emailing. But it was the first time we met face to face.

It was the beginning of internet dating. I was a college student trying to work 2 jobs, go to school, and be a typical 18 year old with a social life. My friends and I discovered the fun that could be had in chat rooms.

At some point, I raised the interests of a guy with the screen name of UBetcha13. Who knows what it was that I said, but this guy continued to email me. I answered him, and he started asking me for a phone number. Eventually - I gave it to him. Hours were spent on the phone, and of course he wanted to meet me. It was a Thursday and I finally decided to meet him in person. I can remember the details of getting ready for this date - to the point of remembering what I wore. I decided to meet him at a local Applebee's resuturaunt. I told friends about it, and my mom. We agreed to meet at 7 or 8. I walked into the entrance and waited.....looked around and wondered... was he already siting? Was he waiting for me. So I waited. One of the workers asked me if I wanted to be seated and I said I was waiting to meet someone. While waiting, I noticed this tall good looking blond wearing jeans, t-shirt, jean jacket and tennis shoes. And waited - it wasn't long before we realized we were waiting for each other. I remember my first smell of him. Boy was I nervous!

We were seated, and I knew sitting in the booth by the window looking at this guy with these great eyes, that there was something there. I wanted him to hold my hand. We talked. For hours. It was March Madness, but neither of us were paying much mind to the basketball. He kept looking at me, I was shy. At some point, I looked at him and knew. I knew we would be married some day. Boy did I want him to hold my hand. I even remember what we had for dinner. We closed the place down. We went out to the entrance hall, and he hugged me. Boy was I nervous, but I craved it. Because of something that happened to me in the past, I froze on him though, and started shaking uncontrollably. He held me, and I allowed him to. We had our fist kiss there. I have no idea how long we stood out there, but finally he started walking me to my car, and we ended up talking for a lot longer. I didn't get home until 3 that morning, and still had an art class project to finish up. Before we parted ways - we made our next date. It was 2 days after - his 21st birthday. He choose to spend his 21st birthday with me. See, in order for him to see me, he had to drive 6 hrs 2 days after because he was student teaching. On the 20th, he was going to school 2 hrs away.

It was the beginning of a long distance relationship that I knew I would marry the man involved. It was never an easy relationship. I knew right from the beginning that he was an addict - but I still choose to get involved. I could have called it quites at any time, but didn't.

This song is for you Jim. I love you. I continue to choose to love you. With God - all things are Redeemable. But we must cast ourselves aside along with our free will, and allow His will to work.

"When anything is shattered,
is laid before the Lord,
Just watch and see,
It will not be, Unredeemed."

Free resources

2010-03-15T23:31:00.002-05:00

My Journey. Since I wrote my post, "I love him" I have felt like a weight of sorts has been lifted from me. I began seeing a wonderful counselor. It is so great to know that someone understands me! It's a feeling of validation. It's a start, it's scary, but I'm willing!

But, I write this post for a reason. I'm on the search for a study - I'm looking for material to do a self-image in God study. I've started doing a Google search, and will continue. But, I'm wondering if there's anyone out there that could point me in the direction of one they've done or worked through. And, as the title notes - it has to be really cheap or free. : )

Blessings all. I have to keep this short for tonight. Time for bed.

Believing in the bigger picture

2010-02-27T15:02:00.002-06:00

There are so many times that we all wish we could see past the moment we are in. To see what God has in store for us, to know if we are doing the right thing. But, the truth is - if we could see what he had in store for us, what would we do with it? Would we still do the right thing? I don't know.

I do know, that God chose me. He CHOSE me to embark on this Journey because He knew I could sustain it for the haul. I am certain of this. There are so many days that I just want to throw in the towel. To be done. To move on. But, I can't. I know that's not what I'm supposed to do. There are so many days that I wonder. I wonder when is my time coming? I don't know. But, I do know that it will come - and when it does it will be glorious.

I believe that God has a bigger picture planned for me than I can see and plan for. Sometimes, it's not so much that I want to see the bigger picture, more so than I want to know what I need to plan for. Some people that know me might laugh at this - but the truth is, I'm a planner. I want to know what I'm going to need, what I'm going to wear, and how I'm going to act. Am I going to be a wallflower and hide, or will I be able to be someone that isn't a shy one. But, the truth is, there are somethings that I just can't plan for. I must TRUST. I must lean on the Lord and know that He will carry me through. I don't know what my time frame is, I don't know when my "when" is. But, I know that I must TRUST. I must TRUST in the Lord.

If I were to take a snapshot of my life, and the circumstances going on - there isn't much hope.
Romans 8:18 "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." This is where my hope is. HE is working. HE is working for me, and my situation, and the Glory will be revealed to me in time - Gods time.

Blessings.

I Love him.

2010-02-22T00:27:00.002-06:00

For sometime now, these are the three words that many of my prayes begin with.

Dear Father, I LOVE him.
And that is always followed by, "I know."

(Him being my husband) Those two soft whispered words back are of comfort. And I know they are words from God.

Tonight, I'm restless. The book of Hosea has been weighing on my mind for a few weeks now. I did read The Message version of it online, but didn't feel like I totally grasped what I was supposed to from it. I understand the premis of it, and why God told Hosea to marry Gomer - and why time and time again; Hosea was to take her back. I understand the symbolism of it all with Gods relationship with us. But, after reading it, I still felt like there was something missing.

So, tonight; I read the footnotes from my Life Recovery Bible and have come to a better understanding and think I know one of the things I missed before.

Not only is this a indication that standing for my marriage IS what I'm supposed to be doing. But, so is the journey that I'v become detoured on. And one that I have decided to make a public jourey - which I will get to in a minute.

After I read what I needed to, shut off my light and turned my raido on to my fav Christian Station. (which was playing the Facing the Giants song... can't think of the name of it right now....) I began my prayer....

Dear Father, I LOVE him.
And, as usual, "I know."

But then, there was something different.

He added, "but, do you love yourself?"

And thats when the lightbulb that I've been trying to cover up and ignore - shinned right into my eyes. I couldn't ignore it any longer. I've been thinking about making this Journey I'm about to re-embarke a public one for a long time, but just have not done it. I need a support system. And what better way to not only have an accountability team, but also a support system than to blog about it.

My public Journey - My food addiction. Hi, my name is Jen - and I'm addicted to food. I've said it before in a Recovery meeting - not one for food addiciton - but never in an audience such as this. I have no idea who reads this - I know people do. I know some of my friends do also. But here goes. I don't know how I'm going to do this yet - I just know this is the first step there. I have a few ideas of starting a support group through my church, or informally with friends.

I will be posting my goals, my glories, and my set backs. Join me on the Jorney. A trip is always better when it's done with friends. For tonight though, I think I will now be able to sleep.

One of the things that I need to continually remind myself of, is that God knows EVERYTHING about me. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. Nothing is hidden. He knows how many hairs are on my head. And still - no matter what - He LOVES me. I want to leave you with this song. We sang it during worship, and I love it. It was a great reminder to me. Thank you Dan for suggesting it, and thank you to Dennis for playing it.

The Reason for the Season

2009-12-23T23:55:00.003-06:00

Merry Christmas everyone.

I pray that this season brings peace to everyone. Peace from our Father.

This season is a hard one for me. I'm struggling with the shifting of our daughter from one house to another. Trying to figure out times, and feeling like we are trading her like she's an object instead of a little person that was created out of love. Usually, my immediate family does a big dinner and gift opening on Christmas Eve. But, because of my sister's husbands' family; we have to make some adujstments this year and gather on Christmas Day instead. To throw into the mix, we are getting a blizzard. An oldfashioned-up-to-your-butt, it's -a-white Christmas blizzard. Actually, according to the weather people, we could get anywhere from 6 to 20 inches...... That's a bit. It started today, it's been snowing pretty good all evening.

So... What's going on these days? It's hard to say. I'm a bit confused, but a whole lot sure that God is working. He is working, and I have to be patient. It's all on His time, and not mine.

I am done with school till the 11th of January. I must say, I finished off my semester with a bang. I did all right if I may say so myself. I pulled of a B average. : ) I am quite pleased with this. Considering that half way through I was considering throwing in the towel. I jsut wasn't sure if I could do it. Keep it all together. I was blessed with an amazing teacher that helped me through, and I like to think she believes I have what it takes to be an amazing designer. I made the decision to white knuckle it through till the end and pulled it off with God pushing me to the end. There is a good possibility that I could be done in 4 semesters if I keep pushing through. I am ready for next semester... sorta. :) With this first one behind me, I know I can do this.

So... what I actually want to blog about. It's my mantra. It's my life verse. It's what God will yell at times or whisper softly. This time, it was a mix between the two. It's Phil. 4:13.
13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
I was having a struggle of a night. I jumped online to check out FaceBook, and to go through my daily Devotionals I get. As I started opening them, I prayed for God to give me this verse. The devotionals I read, were good, but didn't give me the verse.

I decided to check out one of my favorite sites that can always give me a boost on my Stand. Charlyne Cares. Today and Yesterday is part of a 3 part series. So, naturally; I started at yesterdays post. Any guesses as to what the beginning scripture was? (sorry, I don't give out blog candy for the correct guesses....) Yea, you guessed it.
But it's NOT verse 13 I want to touch on. It's 12.

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:12-13

In all the times that I have gone back to my trusty Bible and read this verse - I have missed what comes before it. See, at this time - I am in need. I am in financial need. I have had to take the hands up that are available to me. I'm not proud of it. I don't like it, and I struggle with it. I don't wnat to be one of THOSE people that end up on assistance for life. This is one of the reasons I decided to take advantage of the Displaced Worker program, and the funds that are available to me.

I've had plenty. I know what it's like. And, I know that I can say without a doubt that there are a number of things right now, that I have plenty of, an abundance of. At Thanksgiving, I got a phone call to let me know that I was the recipient of a Thanksgiving dinner from the Church I go to. Because of the assistance I get, I didn't need it and was able to bless another family that DID need it. I haven't hit a place where I am content. I struggle with not having enough - enough money. But I do have plenty of other non-material things that I am so thankful for.

A friend reminded me in an email of the Fruits of the Spirit. But, I am considering them GIFTS of the Spirit due to the Season we are in.

22 But the fruit⁸ of the Spirit is love,⁹ joy, peace,¹⁰ patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control.

This is what I need to focus on. Through these, I can learn to be content with what I have, where I'm at; in EVERY situation.

Including where I'm at today.

Christmas Blessing Everyone. Stay safe if you are in the path of this winter weather - as the weather man put it this morning - there were 3 storms that collided over Iowa and decided to have a party. MN is the recipient of the mess. It is fun watching the giant snowflakes. : )

I wish.

2009-11-22T00:19:00.002-06:00

I had the Contemporary Christian music channel on this morning as I was rushing around putting together my scrapbooking stuff, and this song came on. It spoke to me on so many levels. It puts where I am into perspective.
Wishes may not come true - but prayers do. The miracles that God can do are numerous.

God Bless.

Grief

2009-10-31T01:38:00.002-05:00

Is it possible to have hope when there is so much grief?
Some time ago, I was introduced to the blog of Cindy Beall. A woman whose been there and back, and knows that there no perfection but Grace from God to be attained. A woman who is more in love with her husband today than she was the day they married. And this is with infidelity being a part of it.

Is it possible to have hope when there is so much grief?
There are times that I think so, but there are others that the grief is so raw right now that I can't see past that.

We all have to grieve on a daily basis over simple little decisions to big huge life altering ones. Grief comes in the simplest forms of having to choose between a tuna sandwich or a grilled cheese. To the ultimate of forging ahead when things look so bleak that all you want to do is nothing or deciding to pave a path full steam ahead.

I've had times where I'm living again, and the grief is a small minute part of my day. But not these days. On October 19th, it was a year that I found out that the love of my life, the man that I vowed my love to told me he wanted a separation, and that he was "seeing" someone else and that they were going to give it a shot. That's when a hole was opened in me, and to this day is wide open. Dispite this, I am certain that with God full and center in our lives that marriage could be a reality. But this isn't true for him.

A little bit at a time, the hole is healing. I'll go along, and not even realize that it is - I'm living! But then something will happen, and will open the hole up some. It seems to take a little longer for the healing to happen - but I know that it will happen.

God is my healer, and my bandage. I use HIM for the cleaning process. I have found that there's alot in there that needs to come out in order for full healing to happen. But it will. One day it will be healed. I'll be able to look at my daughter, and know that I've been a model of what God can do. He is my Dr. and my comforter. He is the one that is steady and ever present for me. I need to keep my gaze on Him, and not whats going on around me.

God Bless all, and thank you Cindy for your candidacy on your life, parenting, love and marriage.

Life.

2009-10-03T00:34:00.002-05:00

I haven't written in a while.

I've thought of much to write about, but at times that I can't... like driving back and forth everyday to school and then home. I have an hour drive each way. The drive gets to be a long one, but I'm not alone. Most days, it's a chance for me to think, and spend time with God. A time for reflection. A time for tears in privacy.

A new chapter in my life is being written. A chapter that I never thought I'd have to add to the book of my life. It's not one that I want written either.

I believe in God. I believe He is a God of Miracles. I believe that with Him guiding my life - all things are possible. Each and every day, my strength is taken from Him, and with the very knowledge that He will be what steers me out of this storm, and into his light.

Phil, 4:13. Blessings all.

This is the day that the Lord has made....

2009-08-24T13:14:00.002-05:00

I had the privilege of attending a Church service out doors yesterday.

What a wonderful way to worship! The weather was a glorious Sunday AM in MN. It was truly a day, that was a gift from our Lord... all days are, but this one was wonderful.

I spent the day with my good friend Kathy. We went to the service which was a community effort by a handful of churches in the community for the Sunday Service at the Fair. The band that played - was the one and only one from the Church that I attend.

They R.O.C.K.ed. BIG TIME.

I will forever have that feeling of worshiping our wonderful God under the beautiful blue sky with very little clouds. Having the beat of the drummer running through my soul, and my arms outstretched dancing to the sounds of an Israel Houghton song I'd never heard before but am going to make sure to get it downloaded.

God is present wherever I go. I am certain of that. But boy - His MAGNIFICENCE was all around me yesterday.

God is good. Blessings all.
Jen

The Skit Guys

2009-08-09T20:01:00.002-05:00

These guys are FREAKIN funny. I was introduced to them through a link my friend Sandy sent me, and others. This is geared towards teens - but, welllll - there have been childrens sermons that I've gotten more out of than the adult one...

Not at the church I am currently attending, but others.

This is from the site Tangle. A totally FREE Christian on-line community chuckfull of goodness.

I should add a spew alert - do not be drinking anything when watching this, or have to go potty.
Enjoy.

I don't know which of the two guys are funnier... the fact that "dan" couldn't hold it together and is trying REALLY hard NOT to laugh, or Stevie acting as a Jr Higher....

Taking the Plunge

2009-08-09T14:43:00.005-05:00

Remember the movie, "Oh Brother, Where art thou"? I don't remember much from it, other than this scene vaguely. While searching for it, the haunting beauty of the song shakes me to my core. I'm an Allison Krauss fan, and she had the voice for this old Hymn.

I had the privilege today to watch 2 people publicly proclaim their faith in the Lord. The first one was an 8 year old boy, who decided he wanted to be part of God's family, and be a part of something larger than life. The second person was a lady, I'd say 50ish, who was on the other side of the spectrum. She is more mature in her faith, but is finally taking the "plunge", and deciding to publicly proclaim her love for the Lord, and what He is to her.

I didn't know either of these two people, I was there for support, and because I wanted to "relive" when I was baptized in June. It's an experience that I will NEVER forget. The water was/chilly, but at the same time very refreshing. It's a wonderful spot, and will forever be a favorite to me. It's a place that I go back to in my head, when I need a peaceful thought. It's a place that I will be going to in the upcoming days to work on some very private and painful recollections that I need to lay to rest.

Back to the gal that took the "plunge" today... She spoke briefly about her walk with the Lord. She came to know Jesus at about the same age as the young man that was baptized prior to her - so about 8. But, never took the step and publicly proclaimed it. Now was the time for her. The place that my Church does it during the summer, is at a stream, that has a giant rock sitting in the middle of it.

It's a very pretty spot at the park, and a very peaceful one for me. As she was gearing up, and finishing up her testomony, she made the proclaimation that for her this is a huge step for her, because she's AFRAID OF WATER.

Yup, you read that right - she's afraid of water. In order for her to be baptized, she had to walk in the stream, which in places was above my stomach, and then go backwards. Instead, she went about stomach high but doubled over, instead of going backwards.

One of the things that God has had me recognize with my Journey over the past year, has been the fact that I have to get outside of my box, and step right into my fears. I've had to work through some of them, and use Him as what gets me through. Not myself - but Him. But, I don't do it alone. He has utilized some very valuable people to me, I'm the one though that also has to get past my fear of rejection, and take the hands that are outstreatched to me.

Last Thursday, I took another plunge. I registered for classes. On Aug. 24th - the next chapter will finally be started. (It already has been, but it's when classes actually start.) I will be a full time student. I'm taking a full load - 16 credits. AND.... the best news of the day came from my advisor - I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE MATH CLASSES! I could have kissed the man right there!

I could have stayed in the shadows, and lived with the fears. But, I choose not to. I choose to do whats not comfortable to me, and to get up and live. Live for the Lord, to do what's not comfortable - to take the plunge in life and look at them as opprotunities.

I pray that someday, the man that is my husband will once again be by myside to take part in this exciting journey that the Lord sets before us. To live a life with Him and the helm.

God Bless, and have a great Sunday.

Together - Part 2

2009-07-09T21:53:00.007-05:00

In my last posting, I posted the words to the song, but not the song itself. Here it is. I have found a PHENOMENAL video on, where else??, YouTube. LOVE it. I am also going to post the actual video of the song. It's wonderful, but for what I'm attempting to get out and onto the screen, the first one does the job really well. So, here goes. Turn your speakers on, and enjoy the song.

As some of you know. I am starting my life anew in many ways. I have moved into an apartment with Nora, and am undergoing the project of making it a "home" for us. Now, mind you, I would rather it be us, as a family of 3 that is making this place a home. But no. It's not. Instead, it's Nora, myself and God. I am trying to make this a firm foundation for us with God. Not one that is going to be a sandy bottom, and melt under our feet. Jim's not in a place that he is willing to choose us as a family. Instead, he is going on with other choices.

So.... Back to making this apartment a home. For about 2 weeks, I've been driving around town with a behind-the-toliet-shelf-rack-thingy that has to be assembled, brandspankin' new in my trunk. Because, A-I don't feel like lugging it upstairs to my apartment, then have to deal with it there, and B-I don't think I could put the thing together myself....

Well. I have this great friend named Kathy. Now mind you, I have surrounded myself with many great men and women in the past months. But, because we both are unemployed right now, Kathy has been an enormous help to me in many areas. So.. today, we decided to get that thing out of my trunk. I picked her up bright and squrrily, and we carried it upstairs. She made sure to bring along her husbands drill, and she had left her 2 screwdrivers here from yesterday. I needed them to take apart a fan to clean. (note to self, I must remember to pick up a small tool kit to stash in the closet for times like these.) So, she took it out of the box, and the 2 of us put that baby together! How'd we do it? We worked on it TOGETHER, at the same time. We took turns reading the handy-dandy instructions that the folks were nice enough to include, and went to town.

Along the way, there was a bit of prayer, and I admit to swearing once - but it was only once. But we did it! I did step away from her for a minute when I heard a song on the radio that was a FREE download on amazon.com (couldn't forget to do that!)

Looking back on my time with Jim; there came a point in our relationship that the meaning of TOGETHER changed. When? I'm not really sure. But then, as I sit and write this, I remember back when we were living together (one of my most regrettable things) I remember struggling then because it was never really an equally yoked relationship. I'm not trying to say that I was a better one than he was, or pointing fingers, I'm just saying that I don't know if we EVER had a equally yoked, firm foundation, of a true TOGETHER relationship.

As I write this, this verse is popping in my head: (from Matthew 11:29, 30)

29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Also looking back, I think if we had been equally yoked with God - things may be a bit different today. I don't know. That's not my call to make. Maybe God needed us to go through this time, for us to be able to realize it. As much as I want us to be an equally yoked team, and tredge forward in our marriage TOGETHER, we need to have God a part of that yoke that is holding our foundation together.

What is cement made of? Sand. But, it needs a bonding agent. For us, that's what God is - he's our glue. He's what holds us together. It's also what HE offers to us, and only for the price that HE paid - grace and forgiveness. Free of charge to su.

I got this from a cookbook that I picked up at a garage sale today for 25cents:

"Man is broken. He lives by mending. And the Grace of God is the glue."

I read that, and realized I got my 25cents worth of that cookbook.

Untill next time. Have a Blessed evening.

Two Hands - Together Part 1

2009-07-01T22:52:00.007-05:00

"I’ve been living out of sanity
I’ve been splitting hairs and blurring
lines
I am a house that is divided
In my heart and in my mind"

One of my newest favoritist songs these days, is by Jars of Clay "Two Hands". For me, it is the perfect meaning of together. Every time I think of that word, and the relation of it in marriage and my relationship with God, this song comes to mind.

Up until last October, I had been giving and taking myself and my will to and from God. It was on that fateful day that I had to make a choice - stop the giving and taking and just GIVE. Give my will to God. Stop the one hand doing one thing, while the other is attempting to stay in the Lord. I struggle with this on a daily basis. I know what some people think I should be doing in regards to my marriage, and I also know what God wants me to do. I struggle each and everyday with both. I have been asked what I would tell Nora if she came to me with the exact situation. Would I approve or disapprove?

Well. First off, it's not my place to judge. Second, I pray that she will know that I will be behind her no matter what she decides. Third, I also pray that she would do what God wants of her. To be still, and listen for His soft quiet voice. It's hard. But then most things He wants and requires of us - isn't very easy. Also, I would be proud of her for doing what God wants of her, and not what other humans think she should me doing. Would I want her hurt? No. But, we can't stop one from hurting, nor can we take it away from them. That's why we have Jesus.
I use one hand to pull
closer
The other to push you
away
If I had two hands doing the
same thing
Lifted high, lifted
high"
So.. Back to the Jars of Clay song. One of my favorite visions that I use when I'm in the need of a "mindcation" (this is when I need a moment to close my eyes and just be) is of a person with outstretched hands with the beautiful sky surrounding them, and just being with God. (if you scroll down a bit, you will see the picture I am referring to.) Allowing Him to fill the space between those outstretched hands. It's a Serene picture.
"if I had Two hands, doing the same thing...." This verse of the chorus is looping in my head.
"one hand to pull you closer, the other to push you away". I realized I needed both of those hands doing the same thing at the same time.

Pulling closer - and not pushing God away. Those two hands, needed to be doing the same thing at the same time.
"I have a broken
disposition
I’m a liar who thirsts for the
truth
And while I ache for faith to hold
me
I need to feel the scars and see the
proof"

I continue to do the wrong things, I continue to do them, even though I know they are wrong. Yet - I thirst for doing what is Right, what God wants me to do. I also want to know that What and Why I am doing this - I want proof. Like Doubting Thomas. He had to touch and feel the scars to know that the Man he was seeing REALLY was Jesus, and not someone else. So, how do I know I'm following God's lead? I can see the path of where it has taken me. By moving together, WITH God leading me - I know what I am doing is right.

"And if we just keep digging we can reach the foundation
Of our souls
And if we just keep cutting all the chains from our hearts
We’ll lose control"

I'm trying to reach my foundation, a strong solid foundation. One that is built on ROCK and not on sand. The SOUL that is based on HIM. I believe this is also true of a marriage. If it's not, the bottom crumbles, and is washed away. The bondage that we put ourselves into, HE can release and free the chains.

"And it feels like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up, and you know it’s coming
It feels like a brand new day
Open your eyes"

To be continued....

God Bless everyone. Exhaustion is setting in for the day. Have a safe and Blessed July 4th.

Strength

2009-05-30T21:44:00.004-05:00

Sorry Sandy... this isn't the post you've been waiting for. But, it's a post. It might be a rambling post - but I think I have something here, so I'm going to run with it. I hadn't realized how much I actually enjoyed getting these thoughts out of my head, until I haven't had the opportunity to get them out again.

Life has run amok. Actually... life hasn't really run amok so much as the people that are in it. Including myself. I've allowed myself to dwell on my circumstances - and not where I'm supposed to dwell - on God. I'm back to reading my bible, almost on a daily basis - and let me tell you - there is so much good stuff in there. But, there's also so much that makes my head spin, and the wheels start to turn. So many things just add to the pile of questions I have.

A couple of weeks ago, I was searching for a specific story in Genesis, but now for the life of me - I can't remember what it was. Because I was getting a bit lost on some of the details (this I do remember) I started reading Genesis from the beginning. Like in most things in life - you have to go to the beginning to get a good grasp on what's going on now. So, that's were I'm at - I'm trudging along in Genesis and brewing a stew of questions - but learning so much! About my God, my faith, the people in the bible, and my circumstance.

Strength. So... where am I going with this. It has always amazed me when people tell me how they admire the strength they see in me. (not muscle strength either....) I had a God-pivotal moment last night. One of those moments where so much falls into place, and I wonder how I never got it before because it was starring me right in the face. The moment came while listening to and reading the lyrics of "Everlasting God".

"Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord".
This is the first line from the song. I was looking at the lyrics as I was singing, and realized this is where my strength comes from. WAITING on the Lord - for HIM to do his work. Not me. My life verse is Phil. 4:13 "I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me." Anything. Which includes waiting on Him, for His work to be done.

I know there was more that I wanted to touch on, but started this posting on Saturday but was have computer issues so saved it.... And now 3 days later... I have no idea what wonderous thoughts were rambling around... so, till later. Blessings everyone.

Ps to Sandy..... yes my friend.... the posting you are waiting on is or will be taking shape. See you Friday for potluck! THIS FRIDAY.... the frist friday of the month.

Life.

2009-05-19T21:29:00.003-05:00

It's been a few weeks since I last posted. I've got a good one brewing, but for now, I just want to ask you all a question - and I would like some feedback in the form of comments, please. You can feel free to leave them anonymously too.....

I want to know how do you define "Together"? What does that word mean to you. With your partner, with your spouse, siblings, parents - whoever.

What is your "together"?

Joy

2009-05-03T14:49:00.002-05:00

I once read that God doesn't want us to have happiness, instead he was us to have JOY. It's something that since reading this - has made me stop and go hmmm.... Along with that, He doesn't want us to have happiness - because happiness is fleeting - so, if happiness is fleeting and that's NOT what God wants us to have... then what are we supposed to have?

JOY.

Joy comes from God, and ISN'T fleeting. It stays with us. As I type this, I have a song from childhood Sunday School rambling around in my head - "I've got the JOY of Jesus, down in my heart, WHERE? Down in my heart...." and on it goes.

So. I was at an event today called Blessing of the Bikes, or BOB. It is an AWESOME event. I went last year for the first time. The church that I attend Celebrate Recovery at sponsors this event. This year, it was the 13th year of it, and there were almost 500 bikes there! It's amazing to look out at the sea of bikes and the sea of people. The worship is AWESOME and the keynote speaker was also. To be honest - I can't remember his name. He gave his wonderful testimony and it NEVER seizes to amaze me to hear of what people do - the depths of their own hell that they go to when finally - the hand of God that has been reaching out to them is finally taken, and they are pulled out.

This is where Joy comes in. The past week, I've been in my own little spiritual depression. It finally came to a bursting point this morning. I wept through the whole service. Through the praise and worship I lifted my hand and voice to God with tears streaming down my face. I am and was in a spot of complete brokenness. My life is not going totally the way I want it to. I want my marriage on the path of restoration, I want to live the life of Wife next to the man I married 8 years ago. I've once again come to a realization that, there is nothing more I can do but turn it over to God. I have also realized I have not been putting Jesus first in my life the past week, and that's where the spiritual depression comes in. I don't know what God has in store for me. I'm still unemployed, looking for work, looking to going back to school in the fall. But this I do know - The LORD is MY Shepard, I shall not want. HE is guiding me, I just have to get out of his way.

Which brings me back to the JOY part. The keynote speaker put it into words today that I will never forget, it's the "definition" of Joy;
J = Jesus First
O = Others Second
Y = Yourself last.

All to often, I put the O or the Y before the J - and when I do that - the happiness that I am feeling - is fleeting. But, when I truly put Jesus FIRST and foremost - the JOY is there to stay.

I'm still struggling today, but I know that when I get to the top of the mountain (which is a whole nother writing in itself) the view from the top is SPECTACULAR. I just have to remind myself that the only way to get there - is to climb and not go around. Doing the work is hard - the end result - the JOY - that comes from it, is outstanding. Go the road. It's not a sprint, but a marathon.

God Bless all.

Where did a week go?

2009-04-17T23:28:00.003-05:00

Really. Where does time go?

Happy belated Easter everyone. I spent the weekend with family, and praising God for His Gift to Us. His Son. Isn't it amazing? It really does baffle me what HE does for us, and what was done for US so many years ago. When that took place, He knew the paths that we were destined for. This is SO mind boggling to me when I sit here and try and get that through my head. So... I'll stop that train of thoughts and fill you in on my week.

As of Monday at 10:30 - I have joined the rest of many folks in the "I was laid off" line. Yup. It happened to me. I was emotional about it, I had been at the place of employment for 3.5 years, but it was also a relief for me, and has opened SO many doors that weren't before. Right after the news, I marched myself down to the local Workforce center, signed up for unemployment and started looking around at what's available and thinking BIG picture..... what do I want to do? I've wanted to go back to school.... but what for???? God whispered to me,
Graphic Design....
But, could I afford it?

Seach for more Admin. Assistant jobs..... yikes... not much out there.... God whispers again....
go back to school.....
Okay. I'll listen God. I'll check into school tomorrow... so that's what I did.

I got in to see the counselor at the local College that offeres the degree, chatted with her for a good while. Filled out paperwork for the Displaced Workers program at the workforce center and wait.... School's really sounding good.... I got the call - I'm elgiable or the Displaced Workers Program! WAHOOOO!!!! That means, FUNDING for school! PRAISE GOD. The doors are starting to open for this pathway. Thanks DAD!

I have wanted to go back to school for awhile now, but well... really? I dragged my feet on it. Used the excuse, I really don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Even though, it's been at the back of my mind what I want to do. My dad wanted me, errrr..... highly suggested to me.... when I was a senior in High School to go to school for this. Did I listen? No, little did I know that years down the road, I'd be thanking him for allowing that seed to sit and germinate till the time was right.

THANKS DAD.

I know say this towards my in real life dad. Little did he know that, at the time it was God speaking through him - planting the seed for later to take root.

Since making this decision, if the doors continue to open as they are, and have been my creative mind will not shut off! I'm a papercrafter - I love scrapbooking and cardmaking and everything inbetween; and my mind will not shut off! I've done some resume writing, searching for jobs and the such, but I've spent some down time this past week with my local Scrapbook store owner/friend keeping her company as we "create" together. I will be sad next week when I have to hit the job search hard.

Thanks Dad{s}. The Lord is Good, and I am certain is taking me down the path I'm supposed to be on. I sometimes falter in that belief, I'm still new in this "allow God to lead" thing. I want to take the reins and stir me where I should go. But, to be honest - I'd have no idea where I'd be supposed to go! So... I think I'm in a better postion by letting GOD lead me right now. He will not take me into troubled waters.

Blessings friends.

What happened to your faith?

2009-04-10T13:57:00.004-05:00

I can not claim this writing. It was written by another child of God. That is what she told me who to give credit to. I am taking it from one of the sites that has been lifting me up and encouraging me along this journey since November. {I was given the go-ahead by the writer to use this.}

Enjoy. Ponder this. Think a bit. Where's your FAITH?

The just shall live by faith, faith is hearing and obeying, so the righteous people live by hearing and obeying God’s words given to them through the Holy Spirit. Whatever is not of faith is sin. The Christian’s spiritual journey begins with faith and continues with faith. Your faith increases as you become more sensitive to the Holy Spirit, hearing God’s words spoken in your heart, and then through obedience and perseverance see the great results of walking in faith. When you are sensitive and obedient to God’s words there will be evidence of your faith. For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also. (James 2:26)

When you receive a word from God there are four possible reactions that you can have to the Word of Truth that God speaks to you through the Holy Spirit.

1. A hard heart does not receive the word and then the devil can easily steal it.
2. A shallow heart receives the word with joy and it begins to grow, but when persecution comes it withers because it does not have deep roots in a persons heart.
3. A heart that has other priorities receives the word but it is chocked out by the cares and distractions of this world.
4. A good and humble heart receives the word, and holds on to it, and thereby produces much spiritual fruit through perseverance and obedience to God.

(Luke 8:11-15 NIV) "This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God. {12} Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. {13} Those on the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. {14} The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature. {15} But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.

It is possible to receive a word from God and then not go on to see it fulfilled in the physical realm. Many people get discouraged when circumstances make it look like it is impossible, some will let go of the word and go no further. There will be a time of testing after you receive a word from God, you may even question if you really heard from God, thinking that it could have just been your emotions or imagination. But if you hold on to the promise and persevere you will see it fulfilled and it will produce fruit that glorifies God. For we walk by faith, not by sight. (2 Corinthians 5:7)

Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward. {36} For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise: {37} "For yet a little while, And He who is coming will come and will not tarry. {38} Now the just shall live by faith; But if anyone draws back, My soul has no pleasure in him."(Hebrews 10:35-38)

What if, your FAITH is STRONG - but your HUMAN FLESH is WEAK?
Claim the victory. The flesh and your spirit do not agree.
Devil (flesh)
God (Spirit)
who do you feed more? That will be who is in control Listen.

Exodus 14:13-14 NKJV) And Moses said to the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD, which He will accomplish for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall see again no more forever. {14} "The LORD will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace."

You have to know for yourself what God said he would do for you if you stay faithful.

Satan has no control over you why should you fear? You only fear what you don't know. But God's word is a instruction for your life. It teaches you how to stand steadfast in the word. Thats why God didn't put armour on your back. Its not intended for you to run.

Don't keep giving Satan power over you. He didn't give it and he shouldn't be able to take it away. People we are given Satan to much power over us. Your old nature is not dead but you are no longer a slave to sin because of your new nature. Ask the Lord to transform your mind daily.

Deuteronomy 28:2-13 NKJV) "And all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, because you obey the voice of the LORD your God: {3} "Blessed shall you be in the city, and blessed shall you be in the country. {4} "Blessed shall be the fruit of your body, the produce of your ground and the increase of your herds, the increase of your cattle and the offspring of your flocks. {5} "Blessed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl. {6} "Blessed shall you be when you come in, and blessed shall you be when you go out. {7} "The LORD will cause your enemies who rise against you to be defeated before your face; they shall come out against you one way and flee before you seven ways. {8} "The LORD will command the blessing on you in your storehouses and in all to which you set your hand, and He will bless you in the land which the LORD your God is giving you. {9} "The LORD will establish you as a holy people to Himself, just as He has sworn to you, if you keep the commandments of the LORD your God and walk in His ways. {10} "Then all peoples of the earth shall see that you are called by the name of the LORD, and they shall be afraid of you. {11} "And the LORD will grant you plenty of goods, in the fruit of your body, in the increase of your livestock, and in the produce of your ground, in the land of which the LORD swore to your fathers to give you. {12} "The LORD will open to you His good treasure, the heavens, to give the rain to your land in its season, and to bless all the work of your hand. You shall lend to many nations, but you shall not borrow. {13} "And the LORD will make you the head and not the tail; you shall be above only, and not be beneath, if you heed the commandments of the LORD your God, which I command you today, and are careful to observe them.

I had planned on writting more of my own commentary to this. When I read it, there are so many thoughts that go through my head. So many. Where does FEAR come from? It's not from God. What about DOUBT? Nope, not from God either.

So... which one rules you? The FLESH or the SPIRIT?

The Devil & The Duck

2009-04-08T11:54:00.003-05:00

I know I just posted. But I'm going through my email box, and this was forwarded on by a forwarding friend..... Forgiveness.....

There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods. He practiced in the woods; but he could never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner. As he was walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck. Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head and killed it. He was shocked and grieved! In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile; only to see his Sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing. After lunch the next day Grandma said, 'Sally, let's wash the dishes' But Sally said, 'Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen.' Then she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?' So Johnny did the dishes. Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and Grandma said, 'I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper.' Sally just smiled and said, 'well that's all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help? She whispered again, 'Remember the duck?' So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help. After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's; he Finally couldn't stand it any longer. He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck. Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug and said, 'Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you.'
Thought for the day and every day thereafter: Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done...? And the devil keeps throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred, anger, bitterness, etc.)...whatever it is...You need to know that: God was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing. He has seen your whole life... He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven. He's just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave of you. The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness; He not only forgives you, but He forgets. It is by God's grace and mercy that we are saved. Go ahead and make the difference in someone's life today. Share this with a friend and always remember: God is at the window!

Commitment

2009-04-08T11:13:00.003-05:00

It's been pointed out to me that I don't have much commitment when it comes to things in my life. Thinking about this - I must beg to differ.

commitment - we put forth effort to make the things that matter in our lives first in our lives.

My marriage. VERY important. Where's my commitment level? I have not left my partner. I'm the one that's been left. Greener pastures are calling - but are they really greener because there just so much more fertilizer that is being used? I'm not so sure it's good fertilizer. I think it's the stuff that we find out is going to do so much more damage in the long run than the good of a green turf for just a short while.

My God. VERY important. Where do I turn when things go bad. When things go good. My God.

Changes within me. Would I be the one taking control if I state that it's very important? I'm a sinner. I'm broken. I'm no better than the next guy to walk in this door. I need help. Am I commited to being broken and beautiful? You betcha.

Where's my commitment? What's important to me. I've named a few here. Where's yours?

How long in God's time is a "little while"?

2009-04-02T13:50:00.007-05:00

One of my favorite books in the New Testoment is the book of 1st Peter. I'm not really sure why yet. For some reason, God put it on my heart to get to know it much better just after Christmas. I read it, gave it some thought... took it in. But can't say I went much further than that with it, other than to really crave to have the relationship with my husband as it states in 1 Peter 3:1-7. It was in this Book that I really finally grasped what it means to submit in a marriage, not only that but to also be submissive to my Lord and Savior.

As I've been playing a round of the "waiting game" the past week, and while playing; I've had this verse from 1 Peter 1:6 rolling around in my head,
".....though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials."

In God's timing, how long is a little while? I've started to get some of my answers that I've been waiting for, God is opening doors and windows to opportunities that I have been praying for as have others. But, I have a feeling that my little while isn't done yet.

In the very next verse,
These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

When we have to go through times of waiting, there are times that our faith is put to the test. By ourselves, by others, or by our circumstances. It undergoes a refinning process. And, when we come out of the fire "after a little while", it is pure perfection. We then reap the rewards of the results, we get to sit down and take a look back at the process in which we had to endure to get where we are.

Jesus is being revealed to me. Doors are being opened that without him - would not happen. I just might have to put in a little more time in the waiting game - waiting for God's little while to be done. Through Him, I can gather the strengh to continue on. And, move my game piece on to the next square.

The Waiting Game

2009-03-30T22:07:00.007-05:00

This is a what I'm going to refer to as a "piggy back" post to my friend Arrie's Blog. You can read her "waiting game" posting here.

I'm not waiting for test from the Dr. results, or a son from Africa, in fact compared to some peoples game - mine is almost minuscule. But... I have a Big God that can work BIG MIRACLES. The kicker is - it's all in HIS time. Not mine. Not someone elses - but His perfect timing.

I don't know if 6 months ago, Jim would have called me a patient person when it came to some things. I'm not always the best at waiting for what I want. I'm still not. I have to continually remind myself, that the perfect prize for my waiting game will come in God's time.

There are people that tell me that if there were in my shoes - they don't know if they could be as patient as I am. There are days when I really question that myself. What am I doing???? I'm not doing nothing as it MAY appear. I'm becoming closer to my Creator - to the one that will never leave me or forsake me. The One that loves me unconditionally no matter WHAT I do or who I am.

I know that at the end of this - what God has in store for me is going to be spectacular. I am already catching glimpse of it.

For me - this verse is where I'm at:

James 5:7 (NIV)
"Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains."

The Lord knows what I need right now while I wait. He knows the nourishment's and right amount of watering I'm in need of to sustain, and to grow. He is my Everything. When it is time for Harvest - I'll be ready. I'm not there yet. But, I'm waiting patiently, and doing what I need to in the mean time.

God teaches us throughout the bible that we need to sit, pray, and wait. So... if the bible is my book of life's instructions - I suppose this is what I'm supposed to do. As hard as it is for me to do, I must be patient and continue playing the waiting game.

Another Chapter added

2009-03-24T09:42:00.003-05:00

Faithfully.
A little more than 12 years ago this past friday - a new chapter of my life was in the process of being written.

12 Years ago on Friday, I met the man I call my husband. I knew that night we were going to be married. It was 4 years later that we were. March 24th, 2001 another chapter was added. I walked down the isle to the man I loved, on the am of my dad. I don't have many "I wish we would have done so and so differently" thoughts from that day.

When we were picking out music for the service, I decided that "Faithfully", by Journey would be an excellent one. I've always loved the song. We used it during the lighting of our unity candle. It was sung by the husband of my cousin - it was amazing. (my cousin is no longer married to him)

Today is our 8th wedding anniverdary. I love this man more today than I ever have. It will be by the Grace of my God that we will have a chance to celebrate it.

This is for you my love.

This verse was written at the top of our programs,
Song of Solomon 8:6-7 (NIV)
"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned."

You Jim, are the only one for me. Even with the hurts that we have done to each other - God is working on healing us. My faith and trust is with Him. I love you more today than I did 12 years ago.
Happy Anniversary.

Ready.Set....

2009-03-19T16:16:00.004-05:00

I'm not sure if Go is the appropriate word here....

I got word from a friend last night who is in the MI area that 4 teenagers (ages 15-19), I think 3 of which her son knew were killed by a drunk driver going to pick up pizza for one of the kids' moms. All 4 died - the drunk driver walked away without a scratch. The drunk drivers' BA level was twice the legal limit. Barely anyharm was done to him - but all 4 kids were killed on impact.

To view the story, click HERE.

In the matter of a blink of an eye - we or a loved one could go on to be with the Lord.

Yesterday morning. Jim sent me a text about a fatal crash in town. At first, I was very concened that he was in someway involved. (not the one fatally wounded, but injured nontheless.) But no, he was just trying to get through the area unknown to him what had happened. He mentioned that it appeard that a school bus may have also been involved. The details are not what is important for what I am trying to get at - but the fact that someone, in the matter on an instant lost their life and went on.

Things of this nature usually come in threes I've found... and it's true. Have your heard the song by Matthew West, Motions?

you can also go to his website, and sign up to receive emails. (Matthew West - Motions) I got one yesterday regarding a poster to his site. It was about a young man that on March 2nd lost his life suddenly in a car accident. At his funeral, this song was played. This is a story about a young man that wasn't just going through the motions of his life - but "he was a young guy determined to live his life with a passion for God, and a desire to reach everyone around him with the love of Christ until he went home." (For the full story read HERE.)

I've been thinking about going through the "Motions" of life. And my Journey with Christ. How am I doing this? Am I just going through the motions or am LIVING the motions? When my times comes - will I be ready? I don't just want to go though the MOTIONS. I want to walk hand in hand and side by side with God. The Motions are not enough for me.

Untitled poem - written by a friend

2009-03-19T14:45:00.009-05:00

This poem was written by a friend, about her situation. It is heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time. I want to share it with you.

Crying on the inside
Smiling on the out
Trying to put feelings into words and get these feelings out
Trying to figure out why he can’t swallow his pride
Trust in the God and let him be his guide
What did it mean to have and hold; til death do us part
I am beginning to feel that you never heard that part
How could you say the love is gone and just up and leave our home
Yes there were good and bad times but didn’t you know that we had to work on this with God and not alone
Trying to get over you and all the hurt and pain
Makes me feel like the sun will never shine again
So use to your smile, your feel, your touch
Making me not want to miss you so much
It’s easier to walk away and say you can’t take this anymore
Then try and sit down and make our marriage last forever more
The deception and lies has me convinced the enemy has you hypnotized
To the point you can’t see the damaged that is being caused
All because you refuse to give in and much rather take a lost
You ever wonder what life would be if God choose to give up on you and me
We would be at a lost no where to turn yielding to the world of sin
Never ever being satisfied and enjoying life on this end
I pray that you seek the wisdom of God not just that of man
Realizing that this marriage can be restored again
A man who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord what I sworn I read
Just last night before I laid my head to bed
I have done my best to show my ever changing heart and understand what we did to one
Another that set us apart
Different paths we are choosing to take I am sure makes His heart break
He did not intend for man to be alone as well as leave his home
Leaving his kids and his wife
Starting a new life
I truly forgive you but can’t forget all that went on
We have to learn to love each other unconditionally
To keep our union solid as stated in Ecclesiastes 4:12
Our God says:

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three
strands is not quickly broken.
Two join as one with God that makes three

That is how He intended life to be

{Troberson}

The view from the rearview mirror

2009-03-18T10:03:00.006-05:00

As we drive, we must use the rearview mirrow to see what's going on behind us. In life - I've found that there are too many times that I am looking way to much on what's behind me instead of what's right there in front of me. There's so much stuff from the past that does need to be addressed, but it's a dangerous ride when we only look backwards - and not pay attention to what's in front of us.

I took this picture on the way into work on Monday. The sunrise was specatular. And, I was driving west... so, I grabbed my phone and took it from the rearview mirror.

There are times that I allow the rearview mirror to dominate my perception, forgetting that it's actually the windshield that I need to be looking ahead through, and not concentrate on what's behind me. But, there are times that in order to focus more on what's right there in front - we do need to look behind us.

When I have Nora riding with me, I usually find that it's easier if have the mirror turned down and focused on her. That way, I don't have to continually turn around while driving. She knows I watch her too. In that case - do I have my eyes actually on the future?

I've been looking back on the past 12 years of my life with Jim. Missing the good - there is so much good mixed in! Through the tears, there was so much laughter. I miss laying in bed and talking and dreaming, laughing and then wherever that lead to. He is a good man. But, I've also been at times dwelling to much on what went wrong and when, and by whom. Yes, I do need to look at that - but I have to remind myself to look at it with the eyes of God - because he has forgiven us for what needs to be forgiven through his Grace and his Son, Jesus.

I must remind myself to look forth, with my focus on Him. It's okay to look back - look at the spectaular view that was behind me! But, the focus needs to be what's right in front of me.

Blessings all.

When did I become not good enough?

2009-03-16T15:23:00.007-05:00

Since I "published" the Slow Fade post, I haven't felt that it's complete. I feel that I have more to say about it, but I just don't know what. So, I'm going to just start rambling and see where it leads me.

In the past few weeks, I've had this line run through my head;

"When did I become not good enough?"

At what point in my marriage did I become second fiddle to everything else. By no means do I blame all of my marriage issues on Jim. It took both of us to get to the point we are at.

But, at what point did I become not enough for him? Was I ever? I could go over and over and over again the years of my marriage, and the 4 years prior to our married life of us dating/living together.

See, there's always been this thing called an addiction stuck in the middle of us. So, have we ever had a relationship that was focused on just US?

Over and over again, I had my trust in Jim and man violated. That trust was never a stable thing for me. Through the years, it was violated by friends that I thought I could trust in. Only to find out that I couldn't. Through having confidences violated to being cornered in a bathroom by a group of much older guys sexually harassing me. I didn't have have an adult that I could turn to for help - once again, I had to try and figure out a way on my own. It was MANY MANY years after this event that I ever told someone. I think the first person I told was Jim.

I think for me, the slow fade began YEARS before I was married to Jim. I believed I couldn't trust people. Not only was my trust violated, but my security was also. I'm not just referring to financial security here either.

Over the years with Jim, I got to a point that I couldn't trust him. This overflowed into ALL aspects of our relationship which I had not realized until not to long ago. At somepoint, I lost all respect for him additionally.

I missed him as my husband. He wasn't present for alot of time due to trying to provide for us, and also trying to fill a void with things that weren't good. But, I started doing the same. Except I started to do it by checking out on him. By not being the wife he needed me to be. But, I didn't know HOW to be that wife for him. I've learned otherwise since.

I want so badly to live as husband and wife as God intends us to. As it is stated in Eph. 5:23 (NIV)
For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

I want his RESPECT as much as he wants mine.
And, 1 Peter 3 :1-7 (NIV)
Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

I am instead of leaning on man, learning to lean on God and his promises. I need to listen to His quiet steady voice instead of listening. I'm good enough for God, and was never any different than that in His eyes - and that is really what I need to be concerned with. Same with trust - He has never left me or forsaken me. And, He NEVER will. That's a promise that all over the bible.

Slow Fade

2009-03-13T14:44:00.010-05:00

I started penning this out last Friday afternoon after listening to the song on the radio. It started me thinking on the path of destruction that falling into the trap of sins leads us to. And normally - it's just as the song is titled - it's a SLOW FADE when we allow sin to creep in and overtake us. Sometimes, it's so slow that we don't realize it till it's almost to late. But, the good thing is - it's never to late.

Friday night, I was listening to a lesson at the Celebrate Recovery (CR) meeting I attend on doing a Spiritual Fourth Step. Scary stuff on it's own. I am always amazed when God speaks to me. Like I mentioned - what follows here was started on Friday afternoon without knowing what that lesson was going to be about.... guess what was talked about in the lesson.

The SLOW FADE of the trap that sinning is. We allow the thoughts to start to be entertained but will say no to those thoughts, and push them aside. But, they don't go away... so, they start to reappear. They might even have some action intertwined within them. But, we once again push them away. But after a while - we no longer push them away. Instead; we actually entertain them and maybe even allow them to be fulfilled in a small way. To the point in fact - we no longer walk away from the thoughts, or just "innocently" entertain them. Now, we actually act on them, reveal in them. And if no one knows about them, who's going to get hurt, right?
WRONG.

Psalms 1 (NIV)
Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers. Not so the wicked! They are like chaff that the wind blows away. Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous. For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish.

It never fails to grab my heart when I hear this song. It is exactly what happens to us when we allow other things besides God to guide our hearts. We can't worship two Gods at once, and my God is a jealous God.
As Psalms 1 states, the fade begins with WALKING in the path of sins. Any kind of sin. Definition I'm using is one I heard a few years ago - "Missing the Mark" we are missing the mark of God. It then progresses to STANDING in the path of the sins. To this point, we may have just walked along it, and maybe at times went running from it. But now - we stop and STAND in the path. We know what we are doing is wrong, but the sin is so alluring to us. We don't want to submit to it... but the allure of the "what if's" it might bring us is grabbing out attention enough to get us to STOP walking and THINK about it. The last and final step - it to SIT in it. To take a seat on the bench of the sin, and DWELL in it. We know it's wrong, but it's grabbed our attention and is so attractive to us that we stop walking, decide we need to sit down and dwell in it. So we do.

When we are in the midst of our sinning ways, we forget about the little eyes that watch us. They watch our every move. They are like little sponges. The same goes when we are in the midst of Gods ways. This is true for ALL sins we commit in life. Not just the "biggies" - but everyday, run of the mill sins. A sin is a sin, if it goes against God's word it is wrong. We are all human and God know this. And, it's through His grace that we have salvation - not through a human.

A very good friend of mine told me once, that she got to the point in her life that she was tired of going through life like she was driving around like a drink driver. She had gotten to a point in her life that it was time for her to get out of not only the driver's seat, but that car altogether. She needed to start riding around in God's Taxi and allow him to drive. {Hey Kelley!}

It's never to late to get out of the drivers seat, and into God's Taxi. It doesn't always go where we may want it to, or as fast. But in the end - it goes to the right destination. Our lives don't have to fade away. We've always got the choice of not only just living a life without a soul - fading into the lives of our sins. But instead, to live a life filled with God and full of His Soul within us.

What are you going to choose?

A Woman Inspired

2009-03-11T22:20:00.002-05:00

Wondering what the poster is about over here:

For more info.... click on the poster!

OR....

Read here for more info.

How it works

2009-03-11T09:54:00.010-05:00

I have put myself out there, and told most of you the secret that I carry. It's how my brain works. Things don't "click" for me like they always should. It's one of the things that drives Jim nuts about me. It's something that I've always been very ashamed of. (Also - there are times that they way I type, it comes in clusters. I have to remember to proofread.)

Until recently.

For most of my life, I had to become pretty good at "faking it" or acting "as if I got it". Although, because I didn't get things that I should, I slid through graduating by my chinny-chin chin. It's true.

So - what type of man did I fall in love with and marry? A walking calculator. Someone who loves to debate and argue. Someone that takes the long way around getting to a point. I always loved this about him - his intelligence. But, at the same time it's one of the things that pushed me further away from him.

Because I don't get or grasp some of the things he wants to discuss. He sees this as me disrespecting him when I become paralyzed in a conversation. He sees this as me shutting down and tuning him out. The fact is - I can't get what I need to get out always. And, because of past hurts from him; I don't know how to get out to him what I need to but I want to so badly. I want him to HEAR me, and what I have to say to him. I want to be able to tell him things, to share things with him - to be intimate with him.

As I shared with the Step Study Gals on Monday night, I once heard Intimacy defined as the following:

Into-Me-I-See, and it's actually the window of our soul.

We must be able to fully look into ourselves before we can look and be intimate with others. I'm not talking about the sexual intimacy that we usually think of when we talk about intimacy. I'm talking about really being open and honest with others - as well as your self.

Interesting enough, I started typing this to explain about my "discovery" on something this AM in regards to how my mind works - and end up with intimacy.... Let me get back to that in a few moments...

So, last week, as many of you know; I was afflicted with a horrible sinus infection. I finally gave in and went to the Dr last Thursday; and was given a prescription for (per dose) 1000mg of Amoxicillian. I thought I read (now this is reading the label a NUMBER of times) I thought I read it as take 1 tablet 2X's per day. But boy! There sure are A LOT of pills left in the bottle. I read it again last night, just to be sure that I've been taking it right, and mentioned to my mom that it really seemed like I got a double prescription for the medication! I've only missed 1 dose also.... So... this AM.... I read the label YET AGAIN, and it finally registers. I have been taking the incorrect dosage. I'm supposed to be taking 2 tablets TWICE a day.... not 1. Oh Boy.

See, I finally got a name for the "disconnect" that I have with things such as this. It's called Auditory Processesing Disorder. I don't use this label as a way to cope. It's become a freeing thing for me. I am a very intelligent person, and it's because of this "label" that I have been able to FINALLY see that I am - and how God sees me, and always has.

But, because of this Disorder, it has been a key in me not being able to be intimate with the one I love. Jim. Add into the mix trust issues, or more accuratly distrust and a few other seeds of childhood issues on both of our parts - and it's not going to be a very good thing.

BUT. There is not a silver lining - but a PLATINUM one. And, that is that with my Savior - the healing is taking place. I am learning through Him how to be intimate with Him and myself. And from that, with other people.

God bless and stay warm.

EDIT!!! I must give credit where credit is due. That picture you see up there???? See it??? I found it here: Looking Though the Window of your soul. Check out her other amazing work! WOW!

Gardening tip of the day.

2009-03-10T08:49:00.016-05:00

I was thinking about my seeds posting a lot. It's something that God and I have been discussing quite a bit since that question of "how many acres are you planting" was asked of me.

So, Spring for us in MN is hovering somewhere on the horizon, and we can tell it's coming; but at the same time we must prepare for the possibility of one more storm, and bone chilling cold.

Of course, one of the signs of Spring approaching is that seed packets can now be found everywhere on display teasing us, and a store front had a listing of "tips" for how not to hurt yourself in planting them. I came across this one on Sunday, and thought it made a good analogy of my walk with God.

Tip of the day: To make planting easier, glue your seeds to toilet paper strips and plant them as the strip.

So, in my head here's the picture I have... bear with me for a moment I really am getting somewhere with this.... Take a strip of toilet paper, and one side of it about a 1/4 of a way down place a strip of glue, and over the glue sprinkle the seeds - then fold the paper towel over so it's folded in half. Got the picture yet?

Here's where my mind is going with this.... We are the seeds - or our thoughts, actions, lives, sins, FEAR are just a few of the seeds. The glue is those things in our lives that keep us in place while we need to stick to the toilet paper. (friends, Church, our Bible, fellowship - healthy good things)

Who is the toilet paper?

God.

God is. He is what is going to make the ease of us being planted in His Earth that is going to make it easier for us to stay in place, we may get a little sore as we are being planted - bending and placing the stripes down - we may also need a little bit of help to ensure that the strip doesn't blow away in the process.

Bet you never thought of God as toilet paper, huh? Have a Blessed day all.

What seeds are YOU planting?

2009-03-07T00:04:00.008-06:00

I want to start this off with, I am not quoting scripture to shove it down peoples throats, nor do I proclaim to know everything, what I do know though is that there is one person in particular in my life that thinks that I use my Trust in the Lord as a way to shove things into his face, and to disrespect him. It's not what I mean to do. I want to be able to share with him the things that God is showing me.

A month or more ago, one of the guys at work walked by my desk and asked me,

"So Jen, how many acres are YOU going to plant this spring?"

I'm not a farmer, our service manager is. He is a crop farmer, and was discussing with someone how many acres and of what was he going to be planting this spring.....

When the guy walked by and asked me this, I replied with some smart alecky reply and threw out a number. But, I got to thinking......

As we go along our lives, our run of the mill daily lives; we plant seeds along the way. We have the choice of those seeds - seeds of bitterness, ugliness, resentment, and sins along the way.

Galatians 6:19-21 (The Message)

It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.

We have the choice of planting fruits of our labors, and fruits of God's labor.

Galatians 5:22-23 (The Message)

But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.

It was around this time, that I started coming up with the concept of this blog and what I was going to name it. It also took me to reading Matthew 13, and Jesus teaching in Parables, as well and got me thinking more about the seeds, soil and harvest of what we are planting....

Matthew 13:3-8(The Message)
"What do you make of this? A farmer planted seed. As he scattered the seed, some of it fell on the road, and birds ate it. Some fell in the gravel; it sprouted quickly but didn't put down roots, so when the sun came up it withered just as quickly. Some fell in the weeds; as it came up, it was strangled by the weeds. Some fell on good earth, and produced a harvest beyond his wildest dreams."

What seeds are you planting in your daily life? Where are you planting these seeds, is the soil fertile enough? Myself, as a Christian, and this walk is so new to me - I'm still a shy Christian. I don't talk much about it other than with those that I choose to surround myself with - at church, close friends, on-line, and at Celebrate Recovery.

Matthew 13:18-30

"Study this story of the farmer planting seed. When anyone hears news of the kingdom and doesn't take it in, it just remains on the surface, and so the Evil One comes along and plucks it right out of that person's heart. This is the seed the farmer scatters on the road.
"The seed cast in the gravel—this is the person who hears and instantly responds with enthusiasm. But there is no soil of character, and so when the emotions wear off and some difficulty arrives, there is nothing to show for it.
"The seed cast in the weeds is the person who hears the kingdom news, but weeds of worry and illusions about getting more and wanting everything under the sun strangle what was heard, and nothing comes of it.
"The seed cast on good earth is the person who hears and takes in the News, and then produces a harvest beyond his wildest dreams."
He told another story. "God's kingdom is like a farmer who planted good seed in his field. That night, while his hired men were asleep, his enemy sowed thistles all through the wheat and slipped away before dawn. When the first green shoots appeared and the grain began to form, the thistles showed up, too.
"The farmhands came to the farmer and said, 'Master, that was clean seed you planted, wasn't it? Where did these thistles come from?'
"He answered, 'Some enemy did this.'
"The farmhands asked, 'Should we weed out the thistles?'
"He said, 'No, if you weed the thistles, you'll pull up the wheat, too. Let them grow together until harvest time. Then I'll instruct the harvesters to pull up the thistles and tie them in bundles for the fire, then gather the wheat and put it in the barn.'"

Sometimes, God will give us little kernels that need to be planted. But, the time isn't always right for it so we must hang onto it. Or, maybe the soil isn't quite right - to much acid or to many rocks. Growing up in a small Lutheran Church, I was given the seeds. I knew about God - but never really understood him. I knew about His Son Jesus, but never fully comprehended who He was or so much Why he was. Until this journey. My Mustard Seed of faith was planted many years ago, and it was in a ground that wasn't ready for it yet. I needed to get to a point in my life where I had so much of my own fertilizer that the seed would finally germinate and take root.

Yes, it did take my husbands actions for me to finally allow that seed to stay firmly planted. But it is now my responsibility to make sure that not only does it stay rooted, but that it grows. Not only that it grows, but that it doesn't get planted amongst weeds - or that weeds get planted amongst it. But, if that does happen - I won't pull them out until after the harvest. And, because I am a human - there will be weeds amongst my crop. Jesus will be my farmer, he will be the one at harvest time pulling out the weeds and burning them.

First post

2009-03-06T14:07:00.002-06:00

Well.... I didn't know what I was going to type for my very first post... well, not long after I got my page set up the following appeared in my in box. I think it makes a very fitting first Blog entry.

BEAUTIFUL CHRISTIAN SISTER
'A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ
That a man should have to seek Him first to find her.'

When I say.... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean living,'
I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.
(my own sidebar... my mantra is Phil 4:13.. grab your bible and check it out.)

When I say.. 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain...
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Pretty is as Pretty does... But beautiful is just plain beautiful!

TODAY IS BEAUTIFUL CHRISTIAN SISTERS’ DAY

I'm supposed to send this to BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, and you are one of them!!!
If you share this with other women, you will boost another woman's self esteem,
And she will know that you care about her.
Life is a gift... Live it, Enjoy it, Celebrate it, And fulfill it! FRIENDS ARE ANGELS WHO LIFT US TO OUR FEET WHEN OUR WINGS HAVE TROUBLE REMEMBERING HOW TO FLY.