I hate how my mind works. I do. I want to be just like everyone else. I want things to be natural for me. It's not really so much about wanting to be an athlete. It's about how my mind works.
I hate forgetting things, not being able to form my thoughts and get them into words when needed, I hate being late all the time, and not being dependable. I hate breaking promises, and feeling like a failure. I just want a "normal" life like everyone else...
Now, that tirade being said - I know that no one is "normal". It's just an illusion. It's something that we all want to have. Normalcy. We want to blend in, and not be different. But the fact is - we are all different. No one of us is the same. God made us just the way we are for a reason. I have no idea why I am the way I am. Or why God choose me to be the way I am. I just know he did. I am HIS creation. I just haven't always lived the life He wants for me.
Finally, last spring I was officially diagnosed with ADD. I pretty much knew that would be the diagnosis, and really did not want to take another medication. I REALLY, REALLY did NOT want to take it. But, came to the conclusion that if I wanted any shot at a "normal" way of life, I might have to take a medication to help me get there. Why can't I just be one that God cures? I don't know. So, it's been a number of months on the med, and boy! What a difference! It helps. But, I think there was a side of me that thought it would a magic pill of sorts. But it's not. I still have to take it... which is something that I have to REMEMBER to do. I still have to learn how to live a "normal" life. How to care for my life and not live in chaos like I have. I need to learn a better way of living.
So I am. I am slowly starting to surround myself with people that can assist me in this. One of the things I've delved into is going through The Ultimate Journey through church. WHEW! I've heard about this program, and have friends that have gone through all three of the phases or only one or two. I've prayed about this. Is it time for me to do this Lord? How can I do this as well as a full load this semester at school? (16 credits - Monday through Friday 8am-3pm) I didn't know. I still don't. But, I'm in week 5 of the Journey along with 5 other brave women and our 2 facilitators. For more information on this here's the link.
Tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of the mess Jim and I are in. Where are we at with it? It's complicated and I really don't know. I stand for our marriage. I am certain without a doubt that we could have so much more than what we did. A marriage that is wonderful. But, we are both human. With human responses. With old behaviors that are sometime hard to let go of. He's just not at fault, but so am I.
God's working. His Beauty will rise from the ashes.
Blessings.
Background
10/18/10
8/1/10
Reposting
I accidentally posted a couple comments that I meant to delete. I get spam in my comments, and hit the publish button instead of delete. So, I copied and pasted the blog post - minus the comments in a foreign language....
I don't have anything profound to note or post. But I do have something that I just posted on a forum that I frequent. I have been a member for sometime now, since almost the beginning of the separation from Jim. I began posting a reply to a new member, and it turned into something that was much longer than I intended it to be. I decided to also post it here. I am always amazed when I sit back and reflect on where I've been to where I am today. I have also included a few links at the end that I want to share. Places and reads that have helped me see the greater good, and the possibility of what the uglyness of the mess can create = Beauty.
I have some of my story here. I don't post so much about it now, but some of it is important to see what God has done.
What I have written out, I did not do to blame him (he periodically reads the forum) or to make me "look better than him". We are both at fault for so much of the hurt and harm that was done in our marriage.
I am one of those in your situations - infidelity. My husband was having an affair. I held onto the Lord. It has not been easy by any means. There are so many that question this - they question me and my decision. But the truth is, it's MY decsion. Like you, I made a commitment to my husband and God that I would Love him. This includes when I don't like him very much or his actions. Instead, I CHOOSE to love him. Day in and day out - through thick and through thin. Through his infidelity, and after.
Now, I have to add a disclaimer here - I have not been the perfect wife. After years of having my trust broken, promises broken and whatever, it didn't take very long for me to stop putting so much of an effort into things. This includes putting my hurt before him, and depression and other things that I could name.
How do you begin this journey? By going hip to hip with Jesus. Leaning on HIM for HIS strength, not your own. There have been so many times that I want to give in and give up. Do what others have told me to do - move on. But the truth is, I love my spouse. I can see a marriage for us that is none like any other because of these problems we have overcome.
We both (husband and I) need healing. When we had our daughter a little over 3 years ago, I distrusted him as a person - a whole person including him as a father and daddy to out new born. I saw him get so frustrated with her. This turned me inside out. I did not respect him. All with in five years, we bought a house, I lost a job, my husband was injured at work and went through 3 surgeries; a newborn (a first born); a lay off from that company; a bankruptcy, a repossession of a car, foreclose of that said house..... I grew weary. Our relationship broke totally. We didn't hear or see the others cries for help.
That is when I began hearing God tell me to be patient. I was just learning about having a RELATIONSHIP with Jesus, and finding my Father God. With this, I have been learning to TRUST Him. He is not like my worldly dad, and will not leave me or forsake me. He will not belittle me, He will not get mad at me, and He will AWLAYS listen to me WHENEVER I need him. It doesn't matter the problem or praise - HE will be there for me.
He is who gets me through on the dark days. He is who has spoken to me in the quiet times of the night when I can't sleep. He is who I turn to when things are not as I would have them. I know that my situation may not turn out as I would have it, but in the end - it will be what God wants for me. I have been obedient to him, and because of this I have had a wealth of blessings. There are times when I can't always see them, and all I see are the blemishes. But, I am being taken care of. I will persevere and get over the valleys and mountains that come up.
You will too.
I do have a few resources for you that I have found to be of great help and comfort:
http://cindybeall.com/?page_id=357 Here is a great start. Read from where I've pasted, then browse through her blog. This story is an AWESOME one of what can happen when we give out all to God, what he can do with a marriage that looks so bleak.
One of my favorite sites on standing for Marriage: http://rejoiceministries.org/
There is SO much good stuff here! Just start anywhere, and before you know it it will be hours later.
For just about anything God related: http://www.crosswalk.com/
A GREAT source for articles on what God can do also: www.familylife.com
For those suffering through infidelity: http://www.affairrecovery.com/
A book I highly recommend because there is a segment about a couple I personally know: http://www.amazon.com/Hope-Christ-Greg-Grotewold/dp/1597811742
These are what I can come up with off the top of my head. And of course - the Love Dare. It has changed SO many lives! And so many marriages! When I need a reminder - I re-watch the movie.
"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up" (Galatians 6:9).
I don't have anything profound to note or post. But I do have something that I just posted on a forum that I frequent. I have been a member for sometime now, since almost the beginning of the separation from Jim. I began posting a reply to a new member, and it turned into something that was much longer than I intended it to be. I decided to also post it here. I am always amazed when I sit back and reflect on where I've been to where I am today. I have also included a few links at the end that I want to share. Places and reads that have helped me see the greater good, and the possibility of what the uglyness of the mess can create = Beauty.
I have some of my story here. I don't post so much about it now, but some of it is important to see what God has done.
What I have written out, I did not do to blame him (he periodically reads the forum) or to make me "look better than him". We are both at fault for so much of the hurt and harm that was done in our marriage.
I am one of those in your situations - infidelity. My husband was having an affair. I held onto the Lord. It has not been easy by any means. There are so many that question this - they question me and my decision. But the truth is, it's MY decsion. Like you, I made a commitment to my husband and God that I would Love him. This includes when I don't like him very much or his actions. Instead, I CHOOSE to love him. Day in and day out - through thick and through thin. Through his infidelity, and after.
Now, I have to add a disclaimer here - I have not been the perfect wife. After years of having my trust broken, promises broken and whatever, it didn't take very long for me to stop putting so much of an effort into things. This includes putting my hurt before him, and depression and other things that I could name.
How do you begin this journey? By going hip to hip with Jesus. Leaning on HIM for HIS strength, not your own. There have been so many times that I want to give in and give up. Do what others have told me to do - move on. But the truth is, I love my spouse. I can see a marriage for us that is none like any other because of these problems we have overcome.
We both (husband and I) need healing. When we had our daughter a little over 3 years ago, I distrusted him as a person - a whole person including him as a father and daddy to out new born. I saw him get so frustrated with her. This turned me inside out. I did not respect him. All with in five years, we bought a house, I lost a job, my husband was injured at work and went through 3 surgeries; a newborn (a first born); a lay off from that company; a bankruptcy, a repossession of a car, foreclose of that said house..... I grew weary. Our relationship broke totally. We didn't hear or see the others cries for help.
That is when I began hearing God tell me to be patient. I was just learning about having a RELATIONSHIP with Jesus, and finding my Father God. With this, I have been learning to TRUST Him. He is not like my worldly dad, and will not leave me or forsake me. He will not belittle me, He will not get mad at me, and He will AWLAYS listen to me WHENEVER I need him. It doesn't matter the problem or praise - HE will be there for me.
He is who gets me through on the dark days. He is who has spoken to me in the quiet times of the night when I can't sleep. He is who I turn to when things are not as I would have them. I know that my situation may not turn out as I would have it, but in the end - it will be what God wants for me. I have been obedient to him, and because of this I have had a wealth of blessings. There are times when I can't always see them, and all I see are the blemishes. But, I am being taken care of. I will persevere and get over the valleys and mountains that come up.
You will too.
I do have a few resources for you that I have found to be of great help and comfort:
http://cindybeall.com/?page_id=357 Here is a great start. Read from where I've pasted, then browse through her blog. This story is an AWESOME one of what can happen when we give out all to God, what he can do with a marriage that looks so bleak.
One of my favorite sites on standing for Marriage: http://rejoiceministries.org/
There is SO much good stuff here! Just start anywhere, and before you know it it will be hours later.
For just about anything God related: http://www.crosswalk.com/
A GREAT source for articles on what God can do also: www.familylife.com
For those suffering through infidelity: http://www.affairrecovery.com/
A book I highly recommend because there is a segment about a couple I personally know: http://www.amazon.com/Hope-Christ-Greg-Grotewold/dp/1597811742
These are what I can come up with off the top of my head. And of course - the Love Dare. It has changed SO many lives! And so many marriages! When I need a reminder - I re-watch the movie.
"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up" (Galatians 6:9).
3/30/10
Gratitude - Day 2
I'll start off with - this was a trying morning for me. I was DEAD certain that I had accidentally thrown away 3 of my memory sticks. 2+ years worth of data, music, pictures, 2 semesters worth of homework..... All of it is pretty much irreplaceable.
I have them on a large 3 D-Ring because for some reason, this semester, I'm having a TON or problems keeping track of them. Soooo, I thought it'd be so SMART to attach them all TOGETHER. Good idea, RIGHT? Yea, I thought so too. Till I was dead certain that I threw them away last night.
I was getting my things together this morning to head out the door, switched school bags for the 3rd time and realized I couldn't find my memory sticks. Maybe there are in the car.... NOPE! Not there. Rechecked the school bags. Rechecked my pencil case. Dropped Nora off at Daycare and came back home to check again. NOWHERE to be found. As I was looking next to the recliner, I heard:
"trust me, they will be found."
GRRR! If they are going to found, where in tarnation are they?
Now to back up, and tell you why I thought I threw them away. On Monday, I walked out of school with them in my hand. When I got to my car; I placed my binder, school bag, and everything else I had in my hand onto the passenger seat. Got myself into the car and went to get gas. I paid inside, and before heading in I grabbed a bag of trash and threw it away without looking in the bag. So this morning, when I could not find the memory sticks - I was sure they accidentally got thrown in the bag, and ended up in the trash.
I prayed for them to be revealed. I had an appointment, and the gal I had it with prayed for God to show me where they were, and for them to be found.
Got to school, and started taking out what I needed. Started chatting with the girls and was telling them about my morning and the memory stick drama, when I went back into my bag for something and low and behold - there were the memory sticks tangled up in my headphone cords.
I should have rejoiced over the lost that was found, but was so frustrated with the energy that was wasted on worring and trying to find them. I was trusting God that yes, they would be found, but yet all the while I was certain that they were gone forever; so is that REALLY trusting? To the point that I ran in to Walmart to buy a new memory stick, only to have my cash card declined. I found out after some panic that the money I THOUGHT I transferred last night, didn't actually transfer - I had an error but didn't see it before closing out of my banking account. Gods way of telling me I wasn't going to need it the new memory stick? I think so.
So, after that; what am I grateful for.
I'm going to start right off with - Hearing God speak to me. I hear him all right, when He told me the lost would be found; but I didn't TRUST Him. I went on my own; and wasted a ton of energy worrying about them. Is there a teaching in there? I think so. In a way, I think it was a test also. I'm not sure if I passed or failed though.
Next, I am so thankful for the innocent comments from Nora. She doesn't always know the meaning of things that she says yet. When she is doing really well with potty training, I tell her that I'm so proud of her. Well, she's been listening to me. This morning, as I was finishing up getting her dressed - and trying to get her to put her socks on - she turns to me and tells me, "Mommy, I so proud of you." WHAT? Where'd that come from. I asked her to tell me again what she just said. And, she repeated it. I asked her then if she knew what that meant. And no, she didn't. So, I told her, 'it's when someone does something really good, and it gives you warm fuzzies on the inside.' Her response? "Oh." And then she runs to me and give me a great big hug. I love some of the things she tells me.
And last for tonight, sorry but it's getting late and I'm SO ready for bed tonight - I am so grateful for good memories of times with Jim. I was on my way to school today and noticed a herd of cows in a field. I noticed the ones that we refer to as "oreo cows". The front and back are all black - and a band around their middle is white. Hence the name. : ) When we traveled, I would get so excited to see these cows! I still giggle when I see them. They are actually a brand of cow if ya'll wonder..... So, today when I drove by these cows, I was of course saddened by them but also thankful for the good memory. In the past few weeks, I've had the bad ones crop up so it was really nice to have a good one. The are there. It just seems like sometimes it's so much easier to recollect on the bad.
So - there's my day. In a nutshell. Blessings all.
Jen
I have them on a large 3 D-Ring because for some reason, this semester, I'm having a TON or problems keeping track of them. Soooo, I thought it'd be so SMART to attach them all TOGETHER. Good idea, RIGHT? Yea, I thought so too. Till I was dead certain that I threw them away last night.
I was getting my things together this morning to head out the door, switched school bags for the 3rd time and realized I couldn't find my memory sticks. Maybe there are in the car.... NOPE! Not there. Rechecked the school bags. Rechecked my pencil case. Dropped Nora off at Daycare and came back home to check again. NOWHERE to be found. As I was looking next to the recliner, I heard:
"trust me, they will be found."
GRRR! If they are going to found, where in tarnation are they?
Now to back up, and tell you why I thought I threw them away. On Monday, I walked out of school with them in my hand. When I got to my car; I placed my binder, school bag, and everything else I had in my hand onto the passenger seat. Got myself into the car and went to get gas. I paid inside, and before heading in I grabbed a bag of trash and threw it away without looking in the bag. So this morning, when I could not find the memory sticks - I was sure they accidentally got thrown in the bag, and ended up in the trash.
I prayed for them to be revealed. I had an appointment, and the gal I had it with prayed for God to show me where they were, and for them to be found.
Got to school, and started taking out what I needed. Started chatting with the girls and was telling them about my morning and the memory stick drama, when I went back into my bag for something and low and behold - there were the memory sticks tangled up in my headphone cords.
I should have rejoiced over the lost that was found, but was so frustrated with the energy that was wasted on worring and trying to find them. I was trusting God that yes, they would be found, but yet all the while I was certain that they were gone forever; so is that REALLY trusting? To the point that I ran in to Walmart to buy a new memory stick, only to have my cash card declined. I found out after some panic that the money I THOUGHT I transferred last night, didn't actually transfer - I had an error but didn't see it before closing out of my banking account. Gods way of telling me I wasn't going to need it the new memory stick? I think so.
So, after that; what am I grateful for.
I'm going to start right off with - Hearing God speak to me. I hear him all right, when He told me the lost would be found; but I didn't TRUST Him. I went on my own; and wasted a ton of energy worrying about them. Is there a teaching in there? I think so. In a way, I think it was a test also. I'm not sure if I passed or failed though.
Next, I am so thankful for the innocent comments from Nora. She doesn't always know the meaning of things that she says yet. When she is doing really well with potty training, I tell her that I'm so proud of her. Well, she's been listening to me. This morning, as I was finishing up getting her dressed - and trying to get her to put her socks on - she turns to me and tells me, "Mommy, I so proud of you." WHAT? Where'd that come from. I asked her to tell me again what she just said. And, she repeated it. I asked her then if she knew what that meant. And no, she didn't. So, I told her, 'it's when someone does something really good, and it gives you warm fuzzies on the inside.' Her response? "Oh." And then she runs to me and give me a great big hug. I love some of the things she tells me.
And last for tonight, sorry but it's getting late and I'm SO ready for bed tonight - I am so grateful for good memories of times with Jim. I was on my way to school today and noticed a herd of cows in a field. I noticed the ones that we refer to as "oreo cows". The front and back are all black - and a band around their middle is white. Hence the name. : ) When we traveled, I would get so excited to see these cows! I still giggle when I see them. They are actually a brand of cow if ya'll wonder..... So, today when I drove by these cows, I was of course saddened by them but also thankful for the good memory. In the past few weeks, I've had the bad ones crop up so it was really nice to have a good one. The are there. It just seems like sometimes it's so much easier to recollect on the bad.
So - there's my day. In a nutshell. Blessings all.
Jen
3/29/10
Week of Graditude - Day 1
I was making my way to school today, which is an hour drive; and I was thinking. I was thinking about writing, and thanking God for the beautiful spring weather we've been having. I decided I was going to try to write at least 3 things that I am grateful for this week.
So - here goes. Everyday this week, I will be posting 3 to 5 things that I am grateful for on this day. As I was driving and thinking, I came up with a number of them - but of course by the time I've had a chance to sit down and type this out - I can only remember a few.
Day 1
1. Holy Week. I am SO thankful for the reminder of what Jesus is for us. Why God sent him to Earth. To walk among people, to live with the people. To Die for us, so we can live Free. Thank you God.
2. Wonderful Weather. Even though I don't get to enjoy much of it during the week, we have had a run of sun! Loving it. I have a friend that embarked on A Picture A Day in 2010, and then posting them on Facebook. For the past week or so, she has been posting pictures of flowers that have been popping up in her yard - the early bloomers of the year. I love the smell of spring. The rebirth of the trees. Baby ducks that I have to stop for and allow to cross the road.
3. Love. I am so thankful for the love of friends. I am. There are so many times that I'm not feeling the bed about things, and someone will send me just the right words. Either in person, through an email, a text, or Facebook. Wherever it comes from, I am so thankful for it.
So. Here are my 3 for today. I'm not thankful for the homework that I still have to get done tonight. :) But, that's due to procrastination, so it's my fault and no one else's.
Blessings all!
So - here goes. Everyday this week, I will be posting 3 to 5 things that I am grateful for on this day. As I was driving and thinking, I came up with a number of them - but of course by the time I've had a chance to sit down and type this out - I can only remember a few.
Day 1
1. Holy Week. I am SO thankful for the reminder of what Jesus is for us. Why God sent him to Earth. To walk among people, to live with the people. To Die for us, so we can live Free. Thank you God. 
3. Love. I am so thankful for the love of friends. I am. There are so many times that I'm not feeling the bed about things, and someone will send me just the right words. Either in person, through an email, a text, or Facebook. Wherever it comes from, I am so thankful for it.
So. Here are my 3 for today. I'm not thankful for the homework that I still have to get done tonight. :) But, that's due to procrastination, so it's my fault and no one else's.
Blessings all!
3/24/10
9 Years
Nine years ago today, I was married to the man I thought I'd spend my life with. I knew it would be a struggle, but never did I imagine the man that couldn't get his fill of looking at me would be the one to file divorce papers.
Jesus is my light - He is the one that is my strength to keep me going. When I think of the strength and His light within me, I think in colors. White and yellow. I just thought of it - it's acutally the colors of on of my favorite spring flowers, Daffodils. They are one of the first flowers in the north to emerge from the cold ground in the spring.
Nine years ago, it was a cold day - the temperature had plummeted, it was -8 degrees, and flurrying on and off. The day had started out sunny and cold, but changed to flurries. For a day that a zillion things could have gone wrong, there was only one that sticks out. Jim had stepped into his tux pants, and ripped the seam at the bottom. No biggy. Someone contacted the rental place, and they brought a replacement over. The other option was to duct tape it (on the inside, or staple it). It all worked out.
But, but the time that day finally arrived, I was ready to move on from planning the wedding and get on to the marriage part. It was wonderful to proclaim my intent to love, honor and cherish him in front of God, family, and friends; but I was ready to move on from planning this one day to being married.
I always knew we'd have struggles, but I always thought we'd work through them. God isn't done. I'm struggling to wrap my mind around some things today. But, I also know that there are somethings that I don't have to wrap my head around. God is wrapping his arms around me, and working things out. I have to find a way to keep moving forward.
I want to leave you with a recording of an awesome song, sang by 3 kids. Origianlly, it's a Chris Tomlin song, and he does it very well. But the voices of these 3 kids - wow. Blows me away.
I'm sorry about the rambling post. I'm feeling all over the board today. Blessings all.
Jesus is my light - He is the one that is my strength to keep me going. When I think of the strength and His light within me, I think in colors. White and yellow. I just thought of it - it's acutally the colors of on of my favorite spring flowers, Daffodils. They are one of the first flowers in the north to emerge from the cold ground in the spring.
Nine years ago, it was a cold day - the temperature had plummeted, it was -8 degrees, and flurrying on and off. The day had started out sunny and cold, but changed to flurries. For a day that a zillion things could have gone wrong, there was only one that sticks out. Jim had stepped into his tux pants, and ripped the seam at the bottom. No biggy. Someone contacted the rental place, and they brought a replacement over. The other option was to duct tape it (on the inside, or staple it). It all worked out.
But, but the time that day finally arrived, I was ready to move on from planning the wedding and get on to the marriage part. It was wonderful to proclaim my intent to love, honor and cherish him in front of God, family, and friends; but I was ready to move on from planning this one day to being married.
I always knew we'd have struggles, but I always thought we'd work through them. God isn't done. I'm struggling to wrap my mind around some things today. But, I also know that there are somethings that I don't have to wrap my head around. God is wrapping his arms around me, and working things out. I have to find a way to keep moving forward.
I want to leave you with a recording of an awesome song, sang by 3 kids. Origianlly, it's a Chris Tomlin song, and he does it very well. But the voices of these 3 kids - wow. Blows me away.
I'm sorry about the rambling post. I'm feeling all over the board today. Blessings all.
3/21/10
Unredeemed
It was 13 years ago that I met a man. It was our first meeting face to face. We had spent hours on the phone and emailing. But it was the first time we met face to face.
It was the beginning of internet dating. I was a college student trying to work 2 jobs, go to school, and be a typical 18 year old with a social life. My friends and I discovered the fun that could be had in chat rooms.
At some point, I raised the interests of a guy with the screen name of UBetcha13. Who knows what it was that I said, but this guy continued to email me. I answered him, and he started asking me for a phone number. Eventually - I gave it to him. Hours were spent on the phone, and of course he wanted to meet me. It was a Thursday and I finally decided to meet him in person. I can remember the details of getting ready for this date - to the point of remembering what I wore. I decided to meet him at a local Applebee's resuturaunt. I told friends about it, and my mom. We agreed to meet at 7 or 8. I walked into the entrance and waited.....looked around and wondered... was he already siting? Was he waiting for me. So I waited. One of the workers asked me if I wanted to be seated and I said I was waiting to meet someone. While waiting, I noticed this tall good looking blond wearing jeans, t-shirt, jean jacket and tennis shoes. And waited - it wasn't long before we realized we were waiting for each other. I remember my first smell of him. Boy was I nervous!
We were seated, and I knew sitting in the booth by the window looking at this guy with these great eyes, that there was something there. I wanted him to hold my hand. We talked. For hours. It was March Madness, but neither of us were paying much mind to the basketball. He kept looking at me, I was shy. At some point, I looked at him and knew. I knew we would be married some day. Boy did I want him to hold my hand. I even remember what we had for dinner. We closed the place down. We went out to the entrance hall, and he hugged me. Boy was I nervous, but I craved it. Because of something that happened to me in the past, I froze on him though, and started shaking uncontrollably. He held me, and I allowed him to. We had our fist kiss there. I have no idea how long we stood out there, but finally he started walking me to my car, and we ended up talking for a lot longer. I didn't get home until 3 that morning, and still had an art class project to finish up. Before we parted ways - we made our next date. It was 2 days after - his 21st birthday. He choose to spend his 21st birthday with me. See, in order for him to see me, he had to drive 6 hrs 2 days after because he was student teaching. On the 20th, he was going to school 2 hrs away.
It was the beginning of a long distance relationship that I knew I would marry the man involved. It was never an easy relationship. I knew right from the beginning that he was an addict - but I still choose to get involved. I could have called it quites at any time, but didn't.
This song is for you Jim. I love you. I continue to choose to love you. With God - all things are Redeemable. But we must cast ourselves aside along with our free will, and allow His will to work.
"When anything is shattered,
is laid before the Lord,
Just watch and see,
It will not be, Unredeemed."
It was the beginning of internet dating. I was a college student trying to work 2 jobs, go to school, and be a typical 18 year old with a social life. My friends and I discovered the fun that could be had in chat rooms.
At some point, I raised the interests of a guy with the screen name of UBetcha13. Who knows what it was that I said, but this guy continued to email me. I answered him, and he started asking me for a phone number. Eventually - I gave it to him. Hours were spent on the phone, and of course he wanted to meet me. It was a Thursday and I finally decided to meet him in person. I can remember the details of getting ready for this date - to the point of remembering what I wore. I decided to meet him at a local Applebee's resuturaunt. I told friends about it, and my mom. We agreed to meet at 7 or 8. I walked into the entrance and waited.....looked around and wondered... was he already siting? Was he waiting for me. So I waited. One of the workers asked me if I wanted to be seated and I said I was waiting to meet someone. While waiting, I noticed this tall good looking blond wearing jeans, t-shirt, jean jacket and tennis shoes. And waited - it wasn't long before we realized we were waiting for each other. I remember my first smell of him. Boy was I nervous!
We were seated, and I knew sitting in the booth by the window looking at this guy with these great eyes, that there was something there. I wanted him to hold my hand. We talked. For hours. It was March Madness, but neither of us were paying much mind to the basketball. He kept looking at me, I was shy. At some point, I looked at him and knew. I knew we would be married some day. Boy did I want him to hold my hand. I even remember what we had for dinner. We closed the place down. We went out to the entrance hall, and he hugged me. Boy was I nervous, but I craved it. Because of something that happened to me in the past, I froze on him though, and started shaking uncontrollably. He held me, and I allowed him to. We had our fist kiss there. I have no idea how long we stood out there, but finally he started walking me to my car, and we ended up talking for a lot longer. I didn't get home until 3 that morning, and still had an art class project to finish up. Before we parted ways - we made our next date. It was 2 days after - his 21st birthday. He choose to spend his 21st birthday with me. See, in order for him to see me, he had to drive 6 hrs 2 days after because he was student teaching. On the 20th, he was going to school 2 hrs away.
It was the beginning of a long distance relationship that I knew I would marry the man involved. It was never an easy relationship. I knew right from the beginning that he was an addict - but I still choose to get involved. I could have called it quites at any time, but didn't.
This song is for you Jim. I love you. I continue to choose to love you. With God - all things are Redeemable. But we must cast ourselves aside along with our free will, and allow His will to work.
"When anything is shattered,
is laid before the Lord,
Just watch and see,
It will not be, Unredeemed."
3/15/10
Free resources
My Journey. Since I wrote my post, "I love him" I have felt like a weight of sorts has been lifted from me. I began seeing a wonderful counselor. It is so great to know that someone understands me! It's a feeling of validation. It's a start, it's scary, but I'm willing!
But, I write this post for a reason. I'm on the search for a study - I'm looking for material to do a self-image in God study. I've started doing a Google search, and will continue. But, I'm wondering if there's anyone out there that could point me in the direction of one they've done or worked through. And, as the title notes - it has to be really cheap or free. : )
Blessings all. I have to keep this short for tonight. Time for bed.
But, I write this post for a reason. I'm on the search for a study - I'm looking for material to do a self-image in God study. I've started doing a Google search, and will continue. But, I'm wondering if there's anyone out there that could point me in the direction of one they've done or worked through. And, as the title notes - it has to be really cheap or free. : )
Blessings all. I have to keep this short for tonight. Time for bed.
2/27/10
Believing in the bigger picture
There are so many times that we all wish we could see past the moment we are in. To see what God has in store for us, to know if we are doing the right thing. But, the truth is - if we could see what he had in store for us, what would we do with it? Would we still do the right thing? I don't know.
I do know, that God chose me. He CHOSE me to embark on this Journey because He knew I could sustain it for the haul. I am certain of this. There are so many days that I just want to throw in the towel. To be done. To move on. But, I can't. I know that's not what I'm supposed to do. There are so many days that I wonder. I wonder when is my time coming? I don't know. But, I do know that it will come - and when it does it will be glorious.
I believe that God has a bigger picture planned for me than I can see and plan for. Sometimes, it's not so much that I want to see the bigger picture, more so than I want to know what I need to plan for. Some people that know me might laugh at this - but the truth is, I'm a planner. I want to know what I'm going to need, what I'm going to wear, and how I'm going to act. Am I going to be a wallflower and hide, or will I be able to be someone that isn't a shy one. But, the truth is, there are somethings that I just can't plan for. I must TRUST. I must lean on the Lord and know that He will carry me through. I don't know what my time frame is, I don't know when my "when" is. But, I know that I must TRUST. I must TRUST in the Lord.
If I were to take a snapshot of my life, and the circumstances going on - there isn't much hope.
Romans 8:18 "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." This is where my hope is. HE is working. HE is working for me, and my situation, and the Glory will be revealed to me in time - Gods time.
Blessings.
I do know, that God chose me. He CHOSE me to embark on this Journey because He knew I could sustain it for the haul. I am certain of this. There are so many days that I just want to throw in the towel. To be done. To move on. But, I can't. I know that's not what I'm supposed to do. There are so many days that I wonder. I wonder when is my time coming? I don't know. But, I do know that it will come - and when it does it will be glorious.
I believe that God has a bigger picture planned for me than I can see and plan for. Sometimes, it's not so much that I want to see the bigger picture, more so than I want to know what I need to plan for. Some people that know me might laugh at this - but the truth is, I'm a planner. I want to know what I'm going to need, what I'm going to wear, and how I'm going to act. Am I going to be a wallflower and hide, or will I be able to be someone that isn't a shy one. But, the truth is, there are somethings that I just can't plan for. I must TRUST. I must lean on the Lord and know that He will carry me through. I don't know what my time frame is, I don't know when my "when" is. But, I know that I must TRUST. I must TRUST in the Lord.
If I were to take a snapshot of my life, and the circumstances going on - there isn't much hope.
Romans 8:18 "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." This is where my hope is. HE is working. HE is working for me, and my situation, and the Glory will be revealed to me in time - Gods time.
Blessings.
2/22/10
I Love him.
For sometime now, these are the three words that many of my prayes begin with.
Dear Father, I LOVE him.
And that is always followed by, "I know."
(Him being my husband) Those two soft whispered words back are of comfort. And I know they are words from God.
Tonight, I'm restless. The book of Hosea has been weighing on my mind for a few weeks now. I did read The Message version of it online, but didn't feel like I totally grasped what I was supposed to from it. I understand the premis of it, and why God told Hosea to marry Gomer - and why time and time again; Hosea was to take her back. I understand the symbolism of it all with Gods relationship with us. But, after reading it, I still felt like there was something missing.
So, tonight; I read the footnotes from my Life Recovery Bible and have come to a better understanding and think I know one of the things I missed before.
Not only is this a indication that standing for my marriage IS what I'm supposed to be doing. But, so is the journey that I'v become detoured on. And one that I have decided to make a public jourey - which I will get to in a minute.
After I read what I needed to, shut off my light and turned my raido on to my fav Christian Station. (which was playing the Facing the Giants song... can't think of the name of it right now....) I began my prayer....
Dear Father, I LOVE him.
And, as usual, "I know."
But then, there was something different.
He added, "but, do you love yourself?"
And thats when the lightbulb that I've been trying to cover up and ignore - shinned right into my eyes. I couldn't ignore it any longer. I've been thinking about making this Journey I'm about to re-embarke a public one for a long time, but just have not done it. I need a support system. And what better way to not only have an accountability team, but also a support system than to blog about it.
My public Journey - My food addiction. Hi, my name is Jen - and I'm addicted to food. I've said it before in a Recovery meeting - not one for food addiciton - but never in an audience such as this. I have no idea who reads this - I know people do. I know some of my friends do also. But here goes. I don't know how I'm going to do this yet - I just know this is the first step there. I have a few ideas of starting a support group through my church, or informally with friends.
I will be posting my goals, my glories, and my set backs. Join me on the Jorney. A trip is always better when it's done with friends. For tonight though, I think I will now be able to sleep.
One of the things that I need to continually remind myself of, is that God knows EVERYTHING about me. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. Nothing is hidden. He knows how many hairs are on my head. And still - no matter what - He LOVES me. I want to leave you with this song. We sang it during worship, and I love it. It was a great reminder to me. Thank you Dan for suggesting it, and thank you to Dennis for playing it.
Dear Father, I LOVE him.
And that is always followed by, "I know."
(Him being my husband) Those two soft whispered words back are of comfort. And I know they are words from God.
Tonight, I'm restless. The book of Hosea has been weighing on my mind for a few weeks now. I did read The Message version of it online, but didn't feel like I totally grasped what I was supposed to from it. I understand the premis of it, and why God told Hosea to marry Gomer - and why time and time again; Hosea was to take her back. I understand the symbolism of it all with Gods relationship with us. But, after reading it, I still felt like there was something missing.
So, tonight; I read the footnotes from my Life Recovery Bible and have come to a better understanding and think I know one of the things I missed before.
Not only is this a indication that standing for my marriage IS what I'm supposed to be doing. But, so is the journey that I'v become detoured on. And one that I have decided to make a public jourey - which I will get to in a minute.
After I read what I needed to, shut off my light and turned my raido on to my fav Christian Station. (which was playing the Facing the Giants song... can't think of the name of it right now....) I began my prayer....
Dear Father, I LOVE him.
And, as usual, "I know."
But then, there was something different.
He added, "but, do you love yourself?"
And thats when the lightbulb that I've been trying to cover up and ignore - shinned right into my eyes. I couldn't ignore it any longer. I've been thinking about making this Journey I'm about to re-embarke a public one for a long time, but just have not done it. I need a support system. And what better way to not only have an accountability team, but also a support system than to blog about it.
My public Journey - My food addiction. Hi, my name is Jen - and I'm addicted to food. I've said it before in a Recovery meeting - not one for food addiciton - but never in an audience such as this. I have no idea who reads this - I know people do. I know some of my friends do also. But here goes. I don't know how I'm going to do this yet - I just know this is the first step there. I have a few ideas of starting a support group through my church, or informally with friends.
I will be posting my goals, my glories, and my set backs. Join me on the Jorney. A trip is always better when it's done with friends. For tonight though, I think I will now be able to sleep.
One of the things that I need to continually remind myself of, is that God knows EVERYTHING about me. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. Nothing is hidden. He knows how many hairs are on my head. And still - no matter what - He LOVES me. I want to leave you with this song. We sang it during worship, and I love it. It was a great reminder to me. Thank you Dan for suggesting it, and thank you to Dennis for playing it.
12/23/09
The Reason for the Season
Merry Christmas everyone.
I pray that this season brings peace to everyone. Peace from our Father.
This season is a hard one for me. I'm struggling with the shifting of our daughter from one house to another. Trying to figure out times, and feeling like we are trading her like she's an object instead of a little person that was created out of love. Usually, my immediate family does a big dinner and gift opening on Christmas Eve. But, because of my sister's husbands' family; we have to make some adujstments this year and gather on Christmas Day instead. To throw into the mix, we are getting a blizzard. An oldfashioned-up-to-your-butt, it's -a-white Christmas blizzard. Actually, according to the weather people, we could get anywhere from 6 to 20 inches...... That's a bit. It started today, it's been snowing pretty good all evening.
So... What's going on these days? It's hard to say. I'm a bit confused, but a whole lot sure that God is working. He is working, and I have to be patient. It's all on His time, and not mine.
I am done with school till the 11th of January. I must say, I finished off my semester with a bang. I did all right if I may say so myself. I pulled of a B average. : ) I am quite pleased with this. Considering that half way through I was considering throwing in the towel. I jsut wasn't sure if I could do it. Keep it all together. I was blessed with an amazing teacher that helped me through, and I like to think she believes I have what it takes to be an amazing designer. I made the decision to white knuckle it through till the end and pulled it off with God pushing me to the end. There is a good possibility that I could be done in 4 semesters if I keep pushing through. I am ready for next semester... sorta. :) With this first one behind me, I know I can do this.
So... what I actually want to blog about. It's my mantra. It's my life verse. It's what God will yell at times or whisper softly. This time, it was a mix between the two. It's Phil. 4:13.
13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
I was having a struggle of a night. I jumped online to check out FaceBook, and to go through my daily Devotionals I get. As I started opening them, I prayed for God to give me this verse. The devotionals I read, were good, but didn't give me the verse.
I decided to check out one of my favorite sites that can always give me a boost on my Stand. Charlyne Cares. Today and Yesterday is part of a 3 part series. So, naturally; I started at yesterdays post. Any guesses as to what the beginning scripture was? (sorry, I don't give out blog candy for the correct guesses....) Yea, you guessed it.
But it's NOT verse 13 I want to touch on. It's 12.
I pray that this season brings peace to everyone. Peace from our Father.
This season is a hard one for me. I'm struggling with the shifting of our daughter from one house to another. Trying to figure out times, and feeling like we are trading her like she's an object instead of a little person that was created out of love. Usually, my immediate family does a big dinner and gift opening on Christmas Eve. But, because of my sister's husbands' family; we have to make some adujstments this year and gather on Christmas Day instead. To throw into the mix, we are getting a blizzard. An oldfashioned-up-to-your-butt, it's -a-white Christmas blizzard. Actually, according to the weather people, we could get anywhere from 6 to 20 inches...... That's a bit. It started today, it's been snowing pretty good all evening.
So... What's going on these days? It's hard to say. I'm a bit confused, but a whole lot sure that God is working. He is working, and I have to be patient. It's all on His time, and not mine.
I am done with school till the 11th of January. I must say, I finished off my semester with a bang. I did all right if I may say so myself. I pulled of a B average. : ) I am quite pleased with this. Considering that half way through I was considering throwing in the towel. I jsut wasn't sure if I could do it. Keep it all together. I was blessed with an amazing teacher that helped me through, and I like to think she believes I have what it takes to be an amazing designer. I made the decision to white knuckle it through till the end and pulled it off with God pushing me to the end. There is a good possibility that I could be done in 4 semesters if I keep pushing through. I am ready for next semester... sorta. :) With this first one behind me, I know I can do this.
So... what I actually want to blog about. It's my mantra. It's my life verse. It's what God will yell at times or whisper softly. This time, it was a mix between the two. It's Phil. 4:13.
13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
I was having a struggle of a night. I jumped online to check out FaceBook, and to go through my daily Devotionals I get. As I started opening them, I prayed for God to give me this verse. The devotionals I read, were good, but didn't give me the verse.
I decided to check out one of my favorite sites that can always give me a boost on my Stand. Charlyne Cares. Today and Yesterday is part of a 3 part series. So, naturally; I started at yesterdays post. Any guesses as to what the beginning scripture was? (sorry, I don't give out blog candy for the correct guesses....) Yea, you guessed it.
But it's NOT verse 13 I want to touch on. It's 12.
"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:12-13
In all the times that I have gone back to my trusty Bible and read this verse - I have missed what comes before it. See, at this time - I am in need. I am in financial need. I have had to take the hands up that are available to me. I'm not proud of it. I don't like it, and I struggle with it. I don't wnat to be one of THOSE people that end up on assistance for life. This is one of the reasons I decided to take advantage of the Displaced Worker program, and the funds that are available to me.
I've had plenty. I know what it's like. And, I know that I can say without a doubt that there are a number of things right now, that I have plenty of, an abundance of. At Thanksgiving, I got a phone call to let me know that I was the recipient of a Thanksgiving dinner from the Church I go to. Because of the assistance I get, I didn't need it and was able to bless another family that DID need it. I haven't hit a place where I am content. I struggle with not having enough - enough money. But I do have plenty of other non-material things that I am so thankful for.
A friend reminded me in an email of the Fruits of the Spirit. But, I am considering them GIFTS of the Spirit due to the Season we are in.
22 But the fruit8 of the Spirit is love,9 joy, peace,10 patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control.
This is what I need to focus on. Through these, I can learn to be content with what I have, where I'm at; in EVERY situation.
Including where I'm at today.
Christmas Blessing Everyone. Stay safe if you are in the path of this winter weather - as the weather man put it this morning - there were 3 storms that collided over Iowa and decided to have a party. MN is the recipient of the mess. It is fun watching the giant snowflakes. : )
11/22/09
I wish.
I had the Contemporary Christian music channel on this morning as I was rushing around putting together my scrapbooking stuff, and this song came on. It spoke to me on so many levels. It puts where I am into perspective.
Wishes may not come true - but prayers do. The miracles that God can do are numerous.
God Bless.
Wishes may not come true - but prayers do. The miracles that God can do are numerous.
God Bless.
10/31/09
Grief
Is it possible to have hope when there is so much grief?
Some time ago, I was introduced to the blog of Cindy Beall. A woman whose been there and back, and knows that there no perfection but Grace from God to be attained. A woman who is more in love with her husband today than she was the day they married. And this is with infidelity being a part of it.
Is it possible to have hope when there is so much grief?
There are times that I think so, but there are others that the grief is so raw right now that I can't see past that.
We all have to grieve on a daily basis over simple little decisions to big huge life altering ones. Grief comes in the simplest forms of having to choose between a tuna sandwich or a grilled cheese. To the ultimate of forging ahead when things look so bleak that all you want to do is nothing or deciding to pave a path full steam ahead.
I've had times where I'm living again, and the grief is a small minute part of my day. But not these days. On October 19th, it was a year that I found out that the love of my life, the man that I vowed my love to told me he wanted a separation, and that he was "seeing" someone else and that they were going to give it a shot. That's when a hole was opened in me, and to this day is wide open. Dispite this, I am certain that with God full and center in our lives that marriage could be a reality. But this isn't true for him.
A little bit at a time, the hole is healing. I'll go along, and not even realize that it is - I'm living! But then something will happen, and will open the hole up some. It seems to take a little longer for the healing to happen - but I know that it will happen.
God is my healer, and my bandage. I use HIM for the cleaning process. I have found that there's alot in there that needs to come out in order for full healing to happen. But it will. One day it will be healed. I'll be able to look at my daughter, and know that I've been a model of what God can do. He is my Dr. and my comforter. He is the one that is steady and ever present for me. I need to keep my gaze on Him, and not whats going on around me.
God Bless all, and thank you Cindy for your candidacy on your life, parenting, love and marriage.
Some time ago, I was introduced to the blog of Cindy Beall. A woman whose been there and back, and knows that there no perfection but Grace from God to be attained. A woman who is more in love with her husband today than she was the day they married. And this is with infidelity being a part of it.
Is it possible to have hope when there is so much grief?
There are times that I think so, but there are others that the grief is so raw right now that I can't see past that.
We all have to grieve on a daily basis over simple little decisions to big huge life altering ones. Grief comes in the simplest forms of having to choose between a tuna sandwich or a grilled cheese. To the ultimate of forging ahead when things look so bleak that all you want to do is nothing or deciding to pave a path full steam ahead.
I've had times where I'm living again, and the grief is a small minute part of my day. But not these days. On October 19th, it was a year that I found out that the love of my life, the man that I vowed my love to told me he wanted a separation, and that he was "seeing" someone else and that they were going to give it a shot. That's when a hole was opened in me, and to this day is wide open. Dispite this, I am certain that with God full and center in our lives that marriage could be a reality. But this isn't true for him.
A little bit at a time, the hole is healing. I'll go along, and not even realize that it is - I'm living! But then something will happen, and will open the hole up some. It seems to take a little longer for the healing to happen - but I know that it will happen.
God is my healer, and my bandage. I use HIM for the cleaning process. I have found that there's alot in there that needs to come out in order for full healing to happen. But it will. One day it will be healed. I'll be able to look at my daughter, and know that I've been a model of what God can do. He is my Dr. and my comforter. He is the one that is steady and ever present for me. I need to keep my gaze on Him, and not whats going on around me.
God Bless all, and thank you Cindy for your candidacy on your life, parenting, love and marriage.
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